Author: Han_A

Here’s that revenge you ordered: A review of Remarriage & Desires and As the Crow Flies

Posted on by Han_A
Photo by Andrea Piacquadio

Revenge is a dish they say is typically best served cold – or piping hot, if you watch either of my watches from today’s review. My recent watches from Netflix are the K-drama, Remarriage & Desires and Turkish drama, As the Crow Flies. Both are fairly new additions to the Netlfix, with the latter being the newest series added to the service. Both dramas, although very unique, possess the common theme of revenge and a related strong rivalry between two female characters who are intent on each other’s downfall. Curious as to what on Earth I’m talking about? Let’s dive into one drama at a time.

Remarriage & Desires

As you would have guessed from previous reviews I’ve posted, I am a massive K-drama fan. Despite this though, I’ve been on a hiatus for the last few months, so this drama marks my (hopeful) comeback. Unlike typical Korean dramas, this one is only 8 episodes – which proves to be the perfect amount of time, to pace the drama, the plot and build tension, as well as character development. Without spoiling the ending too much, it has definitely been set up for a season two to take place – so be prepared that this drama will likely require a commitment of 8 episodes…but for now only.

This drama follows housewife (Seo Hye-Seung) whose life takes a sudden nosedive when scandal and an affair gone wrong force her husband to suicide and leave her unexpectedly widowed and a single mother. As she unfolds the truth of what happened to her husband, she sets her eyes on his mistress and decides to wage war – a decision that will come with tragic results.

By the time I was halfway through this drama, I was in full binge mode and had the full series complete in a few days. It’s honestly so juicy and packs a lot of punches. Unlike dramas like Sky Castle, which centres on the uber-rich, this drama is slightly different in the fact that it centres on two women who are infiltrating the world of the uber-rich but for different reasons. Jin Yoo-hui, I suspect because she’s always longed to be rich and envied the security wealth provides those that easily have it. Whilst, Hye-Seung on the other hand was doing so, not entirely voluntarily but because she saw it as a necessary step to getting closer to Yoo-hui and thus, getting her revenge.

This drama gets a 9 out of 10 for me. My only annoyance is that it was slightly slow on the romantic front. Although Seo Hye-Seung was in an obvious love triangle – her focus on revenge meant she didn’t really express interest in either guy in the triangle, so we couldn’t really read where she stood with either of them (and neither could they, based on how things were playing out!) So, to the directors of the show, when shooting the second season (which I’m convinced will happen), a little fan service won’t hurt – give us the romantic scenes we love; we want to see her enjoying herself and being in love! God knows she suffered enough in these eight episodes.

As the Crow Flies

Carrying on with the theme of revenge, we have the Turkish drama, As the Crow Flies. This series follows Lale Kiran a highflying news reader who seems to have it all, namely a national evening news show that she solely hosts. Her life starts to crumble quite dramatically, once an intern, Asli, who is determined to take her down by all means necessary, enters it.

Interestingly in this drama though, the victim of Asli’s elaborate scheming isn’t actually unlikable, this is what makes it harder to justify Asli’s scheme at all. Lale is a woman at the top with her own struggles behind the scenes (which, little does she know, are set to get worse.) I love the David Attenborough-like commentary in the show which compares the events which unfold in each episode to animals in the wild – mainly lions (those with power in the show) and the bird/crow (Asli – it’s an outsider but it’s ability to see things from a higher vantage point gives it a power the lions don’t have and easily underestimate.)

Ultimately, this drama is about power and although it’s specifically witnessed in a newsroom setting, this could apply to many industries and how they operate. A few people are positioned at the top and they maintain power typically through gatekeeping and tightening their network. Asli, as an outsider trying to get within ‘the gates’ is a bit of a rebel in some sense; determined to get power in any way possible. Her drive is really quite astounding, every move she makes is premeditated to the point you’re actually scared of her. She’s a typical Machiavellian character, her ‘two-faced’ nature helping her avoid suspicion as she plots Lale’s downfall. Asli’s downfall however, is her willingness to try and find a quick route to power, something Lale, as someone who has power, assures her does not exist. One way to look at it is a generational gap in the approach to success, Lale – in her late 30s or early 40s – grafted hard to get her role as a news anchor on prime time Turkish TV. Asli on the other hand doesn’t seem to have much skill but yet seems hell-bent on gaining a role she, therefore, isn’t even qualified for (which doesn’t make much sense.) She’s stubborn and doesn’t seem willing to put in the work to learn the skills needed for the industry, despite her internship providing the perfect opportunity to do literally just that.

Revenge is never really as fulfilling as dramas make it out to be, and I think this is reflected in the drama in some ways. Once successful, it really just starts a never-ending cycle that leaves you vulnerable – something we see at the end of the show was Asli claims she’s feeling a ‘chill’; a hint that something ominous is around the corner. I’ll give this show overall, an 8/10, closer to the end it lost momentum and some unplausible things started to happen, but luckily it recovered and picked up again (otherwise the score would have been much lower!) This series also feels set up for a season 2, so I’ll definitely be looking forward to watching that too and seeing what direction they decide to take with it.

What’s on your current watch list? Do you have any recommendations to share?

Thought of the Day: To be or not to be (political)

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Every time I scroll through Hinge I find it very interesting that ‘not political’ is an option people can choose when it comes to describing their political stance/affiliation to potential matches. In all honestly, for me it’s usually a turn-off because how could you be completely ‘not political’?

In theory, I could understand the attraction of this option. It’s likely a direct product of an apathy a lot of younger generations have toward modern-day politics due to feelings of helplessness and frustration. We vote, we protest, we tweet and yet it seems we’re rarely able to shift the needle on the topics that matter to us most. But when you think about it, literally everything from the price of milk, the state of education, our pensions and healthcare is dictated ultimately by politics. Since you can’t opt-out of that fact, it’s worth staying clued up and engaging where possible with the political system at hand (even if it’s just only local politics.) In other words – just because you can be apathetic, doesn’t mean you should.

I often wonder if perhaps this trend of being ‘non-political’ is more of a Western phenomenon or a symbol of privilege. Our ability to zone in and out of the news accordingly without it impeding too much on our day-to-day is something many people across the world cannot afford to do, especially for members of marginalised communities who are always having their rights chipped away at.

Podcasts are a great way to stay informed, especially on the go. Some of my usual go-to’s are below:

  • Times news briefing (for short 3-minute daily summaries (morning and evening) of a day’s key events)

*Photo by Clay Banks on Unsplash

Thought of the Day: Picking your battles

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I’ve become a big fan over the recent years of picking your battles wisely. As I observe and live, I’m learning that not everything that happens to you or around you requires you to get worked up and respond all guns blazing. For some, this revelation of mine is perhaps common sense, but when you’re someone who’s sensitive and passionate/overly emotional (yes, I’m potentially describing myself) it’s easy to fall into this trap without realising.

However, making everything a personal battle quickly leads to fatigue; feelings of frustration build up and it feels like you’re banging a brick wall – not all of these ‘battles’ can be won, and in all honesty, some don’t need to be. I think it’s only insight and spiritual wisdom that will truly help us distinguish what causes we need to fight and which we need to just let pass by and pray on. So that’s my prayer for you today!

*Photo by Stillness InMotion on Unsplash

Embracing your inner child

Posted on by Han_A

I heard the cry of my inner the child the other day

The wails took me by surprise

It demanded it be heard

And said I must crawl again to truly rise

Children do not have a monopoly on creativity. Or on taking risks or truly embracing freedom either. However, we arguably seem to value these skills more in children, making sure we place them in environments where these skills can be encouraged and nurtured. You come across parents who ‘ooo’ and ‘ahhh’ over scribbles that their child has made and insist on hanging it front and centre on the fridge. Of course, this is not because it looks great (let’s be honest, most of the time it’s looking very…abstract) but because they’re early indicators of a child’s creativity and that’s exciting for them to see.

On the other hand, as an adult, you find that you quickly become more rigid in your ways, an  overthinker when it comes to risk-taking and due to work and other time-consuming commitments. You see something intriguing online for a course that’s slightly ‘out there’ but nevertheless looks fun and you think ‘ooo, that looks nice’, then you scroll past it and move on because reality calls and you realise there’s no space in your crammed schedule for such things. Next thing you know you’ve become a full-time resident of the comfort zone, which gets its name for a reason; it’s a cozy habitat, after all! 

Final results from one of the many paint kits I’ve completed since lockdown

Stepping out of that zone and picking up a new skill as an adult can be thrilling but also quite scary. It requires commitment and will but also the willingness to be vulnerable and make mistakes. During my piano practice with my teacher, I could always feel myself getting worked up when I wasn’t getting things right straight away when, in fact that’s literally part of the learning process.

Over the past few weeks, I’ve been finding myself reconnecting to the things that made me the happiest as a child. Painting, singing, creative writing, even learning to play the piano recently. In fact, I was mistaken to think they ever stopped bringing me joy. I think at some point during the end of my teenage years I thought to myself, ‘I need to abandon these things and properly be an adult now, as if there is one correct way to be an adult. Boy was I wrong – from here on out, here’s to being bold and testing new waters! 😎😉

The Things We Don’t Say

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It’s funny, if not tragic, that we spent much of the first part of our lives mastering the art of speech only to become adults and pretty much become rubbish at it again. Typically, when you babble your first words, your parents stumble for the camera (or camcorder back in the day) in excitement at this developmental milestone. Then, as you get older, you realise language actually only makes one part of what is this massive jigsaw puzzle called communication. So yes, you can speak – but have you fully mastered the art of communication? Probably not.

There are a lot of things people say in ways other than speaking that we have to learn to be mindful of. I say ‘learn’ because it doesn’t always come naturally to read body language or apply emotional intelligence to a situation. These are things most of us learn over time and build like muscle. It doesn’t mean it’s easy though since body language and speech can at times conflict meaning you may have to rely on other factors to make an ultimate judgment call.

Eating your words

One significant thing that is a constant challenge, for me personally anyway, is saying how I truly feel to others. I think because when you’re hyper aware of how others feel; you worry that your words may negatively impact the people you want to share them with.  And let’s be honest, the worst thing is saying words and going on to regret them. It happens way more often than it should but for those of us that like an element of control over situations – such regrets can be annoying because you can’t rewind time to take the words back, can you? Keeping everyone happy starts to feel like this weird juggling match and you can find yourself having to do the mental cost/benefits analysis of the costs of being honest (meaning you feeling happier) vs just repressing your feelings (and keeping everyone else happy.)

It’s no coincidence that there are 100s of films and dramas centered around the breakdown of communication and the problems it can cause. It’s a universal issue – sometimes you can be having a conversation with someone and what you’re saying vs what they’re hearing from you are completely different things. It’s why teaching, in my opinion, is a very underrated profession, because to make sure your instructions are heard clearly, comprehended and even remembered by students is more of an uphill battle than many would think.

Your voice is worth hearing

Being honest about your feelings sometimes is not simply a black & white situation of whether someone is a coward or not. Being able to truly lay your feelings on the table, even for people close to you, can be a challenge and this can be due to several mental blocks you may have.

You may not feel like your voice is worth hearing

Maybe you’ve expressed your views before and nothing changed which was discouraging to you

Or maybe social judgment and its repercussions leave you thinking it’s better off to not ‘kick up a fuss’.

In case you need to hear it – your voice is definitely worth hearing. Obviously, to truly get your point across sometimes you have to formulate a game plan – what is the right moment, place and method to communicate how you feel, for example? People often don’t think about such things when they want to get things off their chest but it’s definitely worth doing so. On a lot of reality TV shows I watch, they’ll often just confront someone over dinner, meaning yes, your true feelings are now on the table, but you’ve also spoiled a perfectly nice dinner – miring it with confusion and anger. That can all be avoided with a bit of simple planning.

And You?

But what about if you’re at the other end? If someone bears their all to you? Well first, of all the last thing they want is an underwhelming response. But yes, sometimes you won’t know how to appropriately react straight away so it’s worth asking them for some time to respond or just offering a listening ear, particularly if the confrontation has a personal aspect to it regarding you; i.e. ‘I don’t feel you do xx properly’ or ‘You never seem supportive of my ambitions’. Instead of jumping on the defensive (as instinctive as it may feel), a little bit of empathy can go a long way, a lot of the time it takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable – so acknowledge and be appreciative of that, if anything at all.

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Why not visit my new Medium blog – I’ll be using this blog to delve into more TV and film reviews, as well as explore various themes the things I’m watching cover. Would love to hear your feedback and Medium blog recommendations you have!

Book review: Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine by Gail Honeyman

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“These days, loneliness is the new cancer – a shameful embarrassing thing, brought upon yourself in some obscure way. A fearful, incurable thing, so horrifying that you dare not mention it; other people don’t want to hear the word spoken aloud for fear that they might too be afflicted, or that it might tempt fate into visiting a similar horror upon them.” (p343)

Summary

This book follows 30-year-old Eleanor as she discovers the beauty of friendship and undergoes an internal transformation that gives her the strength to confront demons from her past. (I’ve probably made the book sound less interesting than it is but that’s because I’ve tried to keep my overview just provided spoiler-free.)

Gail Honeyman: 'I didn't want Eleanor Oliphant to be portrayed as a victim' | Fiction | The Guardian
A version of the book art commonly seen on UK bookshelves. The book sold really well in the US & UK.

This book was published in 2017 and admittedly I’ve heard a lot of hype around this book, so it’s been on my radar for quite a while (I would say about 2-3 years). But like with many things that gain a lot of chatter, I didn’t want to feel pressured into reading it because everyone else was, so I made a mental note to read it when the time was right. Nevertheless, expectations were high and I was excited to get stuck in and figure out what on Earth this book was about. The title doesn’t give away much and neither does the blurb so it is one of those ‘you have to read it for yourself’ type books, if you want to really understand the themes, characters and general storyline of the book. Please be warned that this book deals with themes of suicide, depression and emotional abuse.

The main point of intrigue for readers of this novel will be the series of events behind much of Eleanor’s trauma, although hinted at early on in the book, the details are slowly revealed later on.

Style

The novel is narrated in first person (from Eleanor’s perspective) and is split into three parts; Good days, bad days and better days. I found the choice of first-person narrative to be very beneficial to me as the reader, since Eleanor seems to observe the world, as well as the situations and people she encounters, in a unique and profound way that would be lost in, say, third person, for example. In particular, I loved how it made me feel like I was in her therapy sessions with her, as she went week after week – each session giving her a life-changing revelation.

Thoughts

My impressions upon reading are that I can see why this book captured the imagination of many readers when it was first released. Eleanor is a very quirky, and ultimately a likable character.* She tends to be very savvy, intelligent and kind-hearted; even if not obvious to those she meets at first, those character traits always come through or stand out to them by the end. Her colleagues, for example, find her peculiar and so tend to keep interactions with her to a minimum. Although the peculiarity may be an understandable first impression, Eleanor, as you grow to learn the more you get to know her, is a classic case of why appearances (and first impressions) can be deceiving.

Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine - Book Review - Hasty Book List
Alternative book art

Perhaps due to an a typical childhood, Eleanor is usually not afraid to say things how it is which leads to many awkward (and yet hilarious) public encounters which definitely feel more unique to her as an individual. For example, there was an amusing scene in the later half of the book, where Eleanor is ordering coffee with a friend, and when asked what her name is so it can be placed on her drink, she kicks up a fight, ensuring she has the right to privacy. There are not many books I read that make me laugh or smile often and this one achieved this purpose so, props to Gail for that!

My only qualm (yes, there is one, unfortunately) is that it did feel like, when it comes to Eleanor as a character, she came across as quite caricature-like at times and almost unbelievable. I mean, what 29-30-year-old individual would struggle to order pizza in this day and age? A scene in a similar vein takes place where Eleanor buys a new laptop and seems to be really unfamiliar with how to set it up because she’s never owned one before. Another scene that felt slightly unrealistic in an age where tech permeates pretty much most areas of our lives.

However, I will say for every unrealistic trait Eleanor has, there is one that resonates strongly with readers. Whether it be; the loneliness, the frequent bafflement at human behaviour, the overwhelming desire for companionship & friends, the underlying grief, that niggling ‘what is the point of this?’ feeling of life, the depression. It’s all very real stuff, the ‘baggage’ many of us carry from day to day but don’t always see reflected in the characters we read about in books.

*It’s also suspected, but not confirmed that Eleanor is neurodivergent.

Conclusion

Ultimately, this novel is one about an individual’s journey of growth, self-acceptance and change. Although it may take a while to warm to Eleanor, Gail succeeds in creating a character who you can’t help but root for and empathise with. She’s brutally honest about her flaws and mental health issues, making her relatable, if not iconic, for many readers who have or are currently walking in Eleanor’s shoes.

The (belated) Christmas Post

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Hope you all had a lovely Christmas! 🎄😃

Christmas is losing its spunk. Or so, that’s how it’s been slowly starting to feel over the last few years. Originally when I started to think this, I thought ‘surely not’, maybe it’s just a one-year thing, so I pressed the thought down and tucked it away. Kind of like a teen would do when tidying their room – stashing their clothes into a brimming wardrobe and slamming it shut, hoping they won’t have to open it again and experience the cascade of clothes that would occur if they did.

Lovely modern Christmas tree spotted in South London by moi

I suspect, at the root of this feeling is a fruitless comparison to the Christmas days experienced as a child – where it was a holiday that dripped with anticipation. I would watch fun films or bring toys into school to play with, eagerly open my chocolate advent calendar in the run-up to that day and help my dad set up the tree and streamers across the living room. My family would collect Christmas cards like Pokemon cards, often eventually running out of space in the house to hang them. Presents were always an expectation, as is still the case for many children today. I would religiously make lists of what to get each of my closest friends and would also sift for ages at a time through the Argos catalogue to create a present wishlist of my own for my parents.

Nowadays, the holidays aren’t too consumed with presents for me – I typically buy myself one or two gifts to get into the spirit and may also give gifts (if I can) to selected friends. We don’t really bother with a tree and decorations anymore so it’s simply an occasion of Christmas tunes, food and music now. To be fair, I don’t mind having Christmas this way that much, I think my celebrations are less consumer-ist focused now which means I can properly appreciate what matters most  –  family time, ending the year on a high and most importantly, for me as a believer, the significance of Jesus’ birth to [the fate of] humankind (John 3:16).

Thinking about all of this recently it was therefore profound to see this tweet which talks about dwelling less on the Christmas of our childhood and creating a new reality of Christmas which fits our current lifestyle and expectations as adults.

I think there’s an important point to be made there since otherwise, without making a deliberate choice to create this new reality, we’ll always be comparing Christmases that have passed to Christmas now and we’ll always be disappointed.

Who knows, perhaps when or if I have children I’ll change my tune and insist on Instagram-worthy Christmases every year but for now, this is where I stand.

On all things Sustainability

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Why we need to think bigger and do better when it comes to our global sustainability efforts

There is no doubt this world is going through an environmental crisis. In fact, it is quite common for me to think of an issue such as this and melt into a pool of hopelessness (without fail.) Daily reports, research and Netflix documentaries often only add to this deep angst and feelings of helplessness. I’m not alone though – 60% of young people feel worried or very worried about climate change according to a recent global survey.

Things are so easily available to us that we consume very thoughtlessly and without need at a scary rate. Many items are typically cheaper to replace than repair, plus the capitalist system many countries operate in seems to be at odds with sustainability efforts. Perhaps you could say us being in this position was an inevitable state of affairs…

It’s not my fault! (Is it?)

Interestingly. when we look at our efforts to be sustainable and how they relate to what we’re told by the media and governments, there is a lot of emphasis on what individuals can be doing and should be doing to save the planet. You need to recycle more, make sure you’re using less bathwater or here’s how you can sew your clothes to avoid throwing them away. I’ve been fed such messaging since I was in primary school where we would celebrate awareness days which taught us such things.

Don’t get me wrong – there really is no harm in doing all these things but whilst we make sure we sort our rubbish correctly into recycling and waste, turn our TVs off to avoid wasting energy and use energy-saving lightbulbs, it feels likes many corporations who are doing 5x as much havoc to the planet every day are let off the hook. I say this after recently watching Panorama’s documentary on Coca Cola and the truth behind its greenwashing messaging.

Well, of course, we could debate for eternity why this is the case but the trail always goes back to the money. Money, money, money. The climate blame game is very much skewed towards the public because it’s likely easier to fine individuals to deter them from littering in comparison to trying to stop corporations from dumping toxins into rivers. I say difficult, but not impossible. However, many governments are aware that if they tighten laws and seek to harshly punish global corporations based in their country, those companies will simply move and set up shop somewhere else – it’s why we call them ‘footloose’. However, it’s a sad reality and frankly, a frustrating one which means corporation interests are placed before that of citizens of the country – literally the opposite of democracy (if that’s a word that can be taken seriously anymore.)

Sustainability – the rich man’s game?

Why does it always seem like you have to make a choice between affordability and sustainability?

I remember having lunch with a colleague of mine and asking this exact question. This question is one I continue to ponder on often. I saw an ad the other day about a brand that sells a vegan alternative to eggs which still tastes exactly like eggs (according to the ad anyway.) When I finally came across it on the supermarket shelves it was £4. Four whole pounds. This didn’t make much sense to me considering you could easily buy a pack of 15-24 eggs for half the price. But I am aware that although a lot of these indie eco-alternative brands are definitely onto something with the products they produce, they don’t necessarily have the scale or exposure yet to sell at cheaper, more affordable prices.

This creates a problem for lower-income families who naturally live a very budget-conscious lifestyle out of necessity. If I was a working-class single mother of three children, would I even consider buying this vegan egg alternative? Probably not. The same goes for a zillion expensive organic alternatives I find in local shops no doubt seeking to serve the gentrified hipsters in my area. There’s no point in me pondering the purchase of such things I can’t afford. Yet, if we’re truly determined to create lasting change environmentally, we cannot have a two-tiered game where only the rich can afford to participate. Lasting change requires universal cooperation which means all consumers should be able to purchase products, make lifestyle changes and decisions that are affordable/easily accessible.

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By no means do I belong to a think tank or the UN so I’m not filled with solutions here.

However, some things I would say I would like to see more of:

  • We need more recycling infrastructure – at the moment much of our recycling gets shipped off to Southern East countries such as China where it could get recycled once sorted/processed or may – more often than not – just go to their landfill. It’s an ‘out of sight, out of mind’ mentality to the disposal of waste that has to change. More recycling needs to take place domestically and infrastructure is needed to make this happen.
  • Companies need to make it clearer to consumers if they offer safe ways to dispose or recycle their products; whether it’s a laptop, washing machine or TV – they will keep going to landfill if consumers don’t know such a service exists. One of the best ways to do this could be through a ‘buy back’ scheme, like Currys PC World currently offers – where you recycle your old product through them and get money off to buy a new product.
  • Similarly, companies need to start offering spare parts which can help consumers fix their products and thus make them last longer. The number of times I’ve had a perfectly working item but cannot fix it myself and therefore have to buy a whole new product instead have been too numerous to count.

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I could go on and on but I’ll stop here for today.

Some suggested further reading:

The Eco Experts have created a list (with a company breakdown) of the top nine global corporate polluters which you can read here.

This WIRED article takes a more optimistic approach to the environmental issue and argues we need to be more hopeful about the future.

What do you think about this issue – unbothered or very concerned? Let me know your thoughts. 😊

Mastering Confidence

Posted on by Han_A

Why gaining confidence is not as easy or straight forward as it seems

The more I observe in this life, the more I’ve realised there is actually nothing more powerful than a confident woman. However, it does also feel like society conspires to keep women from reaching a point of peak confidence. This is because not only is it very powerful, it’s much feared.

Attending a confidence workshop at work recently, it struck me as very interesting that much of the attendees were female. Why does low-confidence seem to be quite a gendered issue, disproportionately affecting women more than men, I wondered?

Often, instead of seeing a confident woman and being in awe and admiration, instead people will judge. Where’s her humility? She’s a bit cocky ain’t she? We see this often even in female characters/ trope portrayed in the media – from Mean Girls’ Regina George, Miranda Priestly (Meryl Streep) in Devil Wears Prada to Serena and Blair in Gossip Girl. Confidence, particularly in women is often associated with bad character and, consequently, danger or misfortune. I mean, Regina George gets run down by a bus, for goodness sake!

Such quick judgements and misconceptions around female confidence make it more of minefield to navigate, which is why many women don’t try to at all. Period. After all, why be loud and confident when you could just be in the low-confidence zone, quietly mind your business and be free from the judgemental eye of others?

A cultural taboo

Speaking as someone from the UK, it’s quite deeply ingrained that talking about oneself is quite un-British. I remember writing my personal statement (university application, to non-Brits) and thinking, wow, I have to write a whole page about me and just me? Well, that’s weird. Even, many years later when I’ve found myself applying for jobs and I have to talk about how I did this and I achieved that, when in actuality it was a team effort, it’s still very weird to get used to.

It’s not even just talking about oneself that can feel quite taboo – even accepting compliments can be quite hard. Anything that draws attention to you almost has to be swatted like a fly and stopped in its tracks. If you’ll pay attention, you’ll often notice it – especially with women. You compliment someone ‘Oooo that new haircut really suits you!’, and they’ll never directly accept it. Often it will be met with a semi-self-depreciating reply like ‘Oh, my cousin cut it actually – I didn’t even go to a proper salon!’. That way, the compliment is heard but kept at bay and you can fake a sort of fake humility that people love so much.

Pushing on and through

How it is in my imagination when you unlock the level of ultimate confidence.

Truthfully, I suspect, like for me, that sense of uneasiness when a moment requires confidence, never really leaves you. Originally, I thought confidence in adulthood would be more of a linear journey, and perhaps for some people it is – many influencers do talk of it as such. Over time you perhaps build confidence, maybe in similar way to how Mario collects gold coins in the original game, until you (bingo) reach a point of completion and you’re suddenly confidence royalty. However, I’ve found it’s more like ocean water – it ebbs and flows for me; there are moments where I will be full of it, and other times when I won’t. The difficulty is getting better at controlling that ebb and flow so confidence can be demonstrated at the moments it really counts but may not come naturally.

When you’re asked to lead a workshop

When you have to be honest with a toxic friend or colleague

When you have to attend a large family gathering

When you have to perform at an important function or recital

…the list really goes on!

The key to confidence

Let me not sell you dreams since I’m trying to figure that out myself! But some quick tips that might help:

1. Self- examination; what is often at the root of your low confidence? And is it something you can actively start working on? Perhaps you need to confront a friend who has been making sly digs at you and knocking your confidence. Or perhaps you need to rejiggle your timeline and start following new people on social media.

2. Bad habits – time to undo them. It’s not possible for everyone to go from 0-100 straight away when it comes to increasing confidence but we can always slide up the scale slowly by undoing one bad habit at a time. Maybe, like my previous example, you find it hard to accept compliments. If so, you can make that a point to work on.

3. Prayer – my ultimate confidence comes from God, so prayer has always been important. When the time comes to step your confidence game and you’ve done all the prep (or worrying!) that you can, a prayer can always be calming. It centres me and reminds me everything is under control.

Do you have any tips to share growing in confidence or overcoming fear?