Tag: friendship

TOTD: The missing bestie

Posted on by Han_A

“One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother” – Proverbs 18:24

I feel like every year I learn something new and insightful about friendships. I strongly believe they have a God-ordained part in your life and are important for nurturing character and gaining wisdom. Every time I leave the house, I take a portable charger with me. The charger itself needs to be charged in order to boost my battery on the go. In the same way, we feed into other people, we need other people to feed into us – mentoring us, providing us with love and direction.

However, when I was younger, I remember being highly concerned that I didn’t have a best friend. You know, a BFF (best friend for life), a ‘bestie’. In children’s books, TV shows and even toy advertisements for girls, this idea of having a best friend who you always do everything and anything with is very prevalent. You make friendship bracelets for each other, go for sleepovers all the time and have birthday parties together. It filled me with a slight longing and sadness that I didn’t have one. Sometimes I thought am I missing out on something here?

Although, for the record, I did have a best friend when I was in my starting years of school (so around three to five years old) but we later lost contact when her and her family moved out of London. To be fair, last time I checked, long-distance relationships were not children’s strong point!) After that I just flittered between friendship groups at school like a social butterfly, gaining company where I could but not always feeling like I fully belonged anywhere.

I never really bothered giving anyone the label after that. Not because I didn’t want to but out of the fear that it wouldn’t be a mutual feeling; i.e. you call someone your best friend but to them, they actually think someone else is their best friend. To me that just sounded nightmarish since the whole point of ‘best friends’ to me was the element of a mutual agreement of your place in each other’s lives.

Yet, as I’ve gotten older it’s concerned me less as I find the pleasure many may get in one best friend in multiple people. I think my introverted nature also often means I enjoy my own company too, a lot more these days. In moments alone you find an incomparable peace, and for me, I am reminded of a God I have, who is everywhere and will never forsake me. (Deuteronomy 31:8) So although I may feel it sometimes, am I ever truly alone? Probably not.

*Photo by Walter Randlehoff on Unsplash

We’re all walking paradoxes

Posted on by Han_A

Despite trying to categorise ourselves into many clear-cut boxes, quite often we’re full of paradoxical traits. It’s one of the things that makes getting to know other humans more, let alone yourself – so interesting. Many that know us well will learn and understand this, but for those that don’t it can often be a source of confusion, frustration or even resentment.

Photo by Alexandra Dementyeva on Unsplash

I see conflicting traits in myself quite often. For some example:

– I’m pretty hard working and proactive in my view; I love to plan, do research and make things happen. However, I can also be incredibly lazy at times, meaning things may slowly sink to the bottom of my to-do list that I mentally pledged to complete two weeks before.

– I also tend to be quite a realist; I don’t tend to tire of being a reminder about the potential ways an event can unfold or what history tells us about certain beliefs or ideas. Simultaneously, I can also be fairly fantastical; a trait that every now and then causes me to mould idealistic versions of people that widely differ from who they really are.

– Lastly, I love people; getting to share their struggles and joy; receive encouragement from their words when it seems I have none left to motivate myself with. However, I can also be quite antisocial and quiet, a trait that does sometimes make social situations hard to navigate and enjoy.

I doubt I’m alone – I think we all have these conflicting traits in us; some go under the radar of our consciousness and others we are fully aware of. Perhaps you love fiercely but can also be very spiteful if someone gets on your wrong side. Or maybe at times you can be shamelessly selfish whilst there are many moment you find yourself in where you’re moved with compassion for others. We tend to just paint a picture of consistency because that’s what makes sense to the world most in certain situations. For example, if I’m working on branding myself for a business I own, people want to know I’m dependable, a good leader and one that’s confident. They don’t want to know that I have moments of doubt and periods of low-confidence that make leading people hard. It may be very real, and very true but being upfront about it won’t necessarily get me clientele.

Yet, it feels quite important when we can to be honest about these conflicts within us; otherwise we perhaps fall into the habit of creating a version of ourselves for others that isn’t entirely truthful.

This is why having close people who you can expose all sides too without judgement is beneficial. Being able to freely be you and let your guard down around people -or even just one close person – is an incredible source of peace. Mentally, it’s like how a person might feel when they get finally home after a long day, loosen their tie, or remove their bra and just flop onto the sofa. Rest and ultimate comfort at last. I was reminded of this when reading the tweet above, since I think it articulates my thought very well – you don’t feel the need to censor yourself or put on a forced façade when you’re around the right people. You can be yourself in all your flawed, paradoxical glory- and that’s the way it should be.

You Had to Be There

Posted on by Han_A

Sometimes moments are just for us

Between us two

Between our eyes, between our hearts, between our lips.

As gravity pulls us down and love draws us closer

We’re sworn to silence with

echoes of laughter

It’s often very hard to capture certain moments you experience in words. This is why I’ve often been in awe when celebrities who go on late night shows like Graham Norton retell funny stories with the enthusiasm and enough dramatics in the right places to have you hooked and eventually chuckling. Perhaps the skill partially lies in their acting training, after all mastering the ability to create whole worlds with your words would, naturally I presume, make you a great storyteller. It’s likely they’ve had practice telling certain stories too since I’m sure some have the ability to be natural crowd-pleasers wherever they go.

However, on the other hand, sometimes when I retell a story I can just hear myself letting the story down, not doing justice to the moment itself and how vivid or exciting it was. How scared or taken by surprise I was. Or how elated I felt. It’s almost feels like how when you boil certain vegetables, they tend to lose the goodness they hold in their raw state. You’ve experienced the ‘raw goodness’ of the moment (so to speak) and now or you can serve those who weren’t there is the boiled leftovers of that moment.

Moment 4 Life

To be honest, this inability to capture some moments in words is not always a bad thing. It can actually make you more appreciative of the moments you share with those close to you because it’s likely that outside of the bubble of that moment between you and the people within it, the magic of it cannot be recreated.

Sometimes when on the verge of such moments I often get excited and – with the anticipation – even feel a tinge of sadness as I imagine the moment fizzling to an end and becoming a simple memory. Does anyone else experience that or is it just me? The best way to describe it is like the anticipation you feel as you bake something and are watching the batter rise in the tin through the small oven window. You’ve done everything the recipe instructed, and now you’re expecting greatness. Of course, with moments you experience there’s lot of other factors that come into consideration; even if you’re with your favourite people or person in a great place, moods, actions and conversation need to align to create that magical spark you’ll remember for years to come when recollecting that period. It’s not often the spark happens, but when it does – especially unexpected – it’s really beautiful.

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Thanks for reading. Don’t forget to follow my blog here and on Instagram @TheArtofChatter

Liked this topic? You can find another post I’ve done exploring the nature of memories here or one on special moments here.

*Featured Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

All is Fair in Love, War and death

Posted on by Han_A
Cast of the show: in the middle hugging – Dong-baek (right) and her son, Pil-gu (left)

Can someone be your miracle?

This is what the Netflix original K-drama When the Camellia Blooms (2019) tries to answer. Dong-baek is a 30-something year old single mum who runs a bar in the small Korean town of Busan. Although she is super nice and meek, she’s an outcast in the town, stigmatised by her single motherhood and the fact her bar has become a popular hangout spot for all the local women’s husbands. Out of jealousy their assumption is that she must be selling much more than drinks to them to attract them there. Of course, the reality is much simpler than that – the men have looked all around for a viable refuge free from prying female eyes and Camellia – Dong-baek’s bar has slowly become just that.

Her son Pil-gu on the other hand, is anything but meek – he has a vicious bite and has become a very avid protector of his mum who is often not only teased by adults but sometimes gossiped about by his age mates at school. In one amusing scene he shouts at some kids for using his mum’s first name – an indicator that to them she isn’t worthy of respect. However, Pil-gu is slowly getting tired of being his mum’s defender, he’s aware the other kids don’t have to be as protective of their mothers and that he’s perhaps doing too much for what is expected of a child his age. He had his annoying moments (like being insistent on his mum not dating) but if I truly tried to see things from his perspective I could understand the fear behind his behaviour. His mum and him against the world is all he has ever known, so he was understandably worried about a disruption to this dynamic.

When it comes to miracles Dong-baek is very sceptical, after all life has been very hard to her. No matter how hard she works she can’t seem to catch a break or make enough to make ends meet. We learn that she suffers from abandonment and trust issues- these stem from the childhood trauma she has around her mum abandoning her. The drama digs more into this set of events later on towards the end, so the drama is worth a watch until the end.

To make matters worse, Dong-baek is being targeted by a serial killer, nicknamed in the town ‘The Joker’ who has stumped the local police force for several years. There is no common thread between the victims except for notes left at every scene with the same words –  ‘stop being a joke’. She has a few close run-ins with him which mess with her confidence and make her fear for her safety. I think the murder plot line helps to sustain the dramas pace and entertainment. We get to play a mental whodunnit as we try to figure out which character we knew had the most motive and means. All I knew was that it had to be someone local that we’ve been introduced to already as an audience. 

Dong-baek reconnecting with her estranged mum.

Overall, this is a heart-warming story of family, love, friendship and redemption. I cried and I laughed. Although Dong-baek seemed annoyingly coy at first, you do grow to love her; every time you put her in a box she defies expectation and surprises you which is something I really liked. Not only does she toughen up as the program progresses, she learns the true meaning of love and friendship through her relationships with Pil-gu, her mum and her boyfriend, Yong-sik. Dong-baek is played by the actress Kong Hyo-jin who starred in one of my favourite dramas, It’s Okay, That’s Love. To some extent the drama is self aware of k-drama romance cliches – at one point Yong-sik askes Dong-baek if they want travel to an island and she refuses, replying that its likely to lead to the cliche of them missing the last boat and having to share a room together at a random inn. And there is no doubt she is very right – that cliche is all too common.

Other dramas that may be of interest that look more at parenthood; Hi,bye mum, Love and Marriage, Was it Love? and One Spring Day. They’re all available on Netflix.

Trailer for When the Camellia Blooms.

For more Netflix reviews from me you can find some here and here.

Listen, listen carefully

Posted on by Han_A

I remember a while back I called a friend of mine to catch up. As we spoke it became apparent she was having a tough time in many ways. After hearing her speak I resorted to giving her advice (from the top of my head) and some tips on how I thought she could deal with her issues moving forward. She then got angry stating to me that my tips were things she had already considered/tried and that she wasn’t seeking my advice. I quickly apologised after and we shortly ended the call, with confusion still hanging in the air on my side.

woman in teal dress shirt sits near wall
What does true listening look like? (Photo by Christina Morillo on Pexels.com)

Although my initial emotion reflex was to get angry and annoyed I later realised my friend had unknowingly taught me a valuable lesson through that interaction. Sometimes, when people pour their hearts out to you, they aren’t looking for resolve or an immediate solution, they just want you to listen. It’s a simple observation and one that feels oh so obvious but yet, something even I have much room for improvement in.

Nowadays in my interactions with people, I find myself wondering what true listening is/ looks like. There’s one thing I can tell you in regards to this.

It involves empathy and seeking to understand the feelings being shared with you. Depending on whether the situation calls for it it may involve; giving advice or rather it may involve a simple hug or show of affection. Following up with questions is always good; it shows you are listening,  interested and have a grasp on what is being relayed to you. ‘How did that make you feel?‘, ‘What can I do to help?‘ or sometimes a ‘thank you for sharing that with me‘ may be called for in the aftermath of the most difficult of confessions.

The first line I write with consideration because there are times when you may not relate to the nature of the problems people you listen to are going through and that’s okay. The worst it means for you is that you can’t say ‘I know what you’re going through, [insert personal story of how you relate here]’. I say this particularly when you come from a different world from the person you talk to.

For example, if a person of colour (POC) meets a white person and the former starts talking about racial discrimination they have faced; as white person from a working-class background it is not suddenly called for you to go ‘I can relate because as someone who grew up on an estate blah blah blah…’ Such things can be done with the sincerest of intentions but are, in my opinion, the wrong course of action to take. Rather, take the opportunity to properly listen to the POC and understand their experience. Use it, if you like, as a learning experience. This applies in regards to numerous oppressed or minority groups you may ever encounter; from travellers to the LGBT+ community. Only when such things are taken into account can dialogue between groups and/ or individuals be effectively done.

 

 

Ghosts of Friendships past

Posted on by Han_A

Friendship is a funny thing. Am I the only one that looks down the long hallway that is my past and sees the floating shadows of many former friendships? These are not necessarily friendships that suffered an explosive ending. Most of the time you try to keep in touch but days pass and the next thing you know two years have gone and you’ve barely spoken.  I do see these friends every now and then but the conversation is very brief and shallow, almost as if you’re back to acquaintance (or even stranger) level again. After all, people do change- and much quicker than we know sometimes. Although the joyful memories associated with them bring happiness, you almost have to take time to grieve that individual as you realise the intimacy you shared may not ever be experienced again.

But as the old ends, new ones begin and such is the pain and beauty of friendship.

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I hate that we don’t talk

as much as we used to.

Will I ever meet some someone like you

I often wonder.

The spontaneous singing

The endless conversations

the laughing, the moments.

Heart to hearts

All in the past.

 

 

Identity

Posted on by Han_A

‘Friendships turn into comparison games.’

This a quote from a line in a book I’m reading which explores identity and I think there’s more truth in it then we all think- I can say this as a fact from personal experience. All my life I’ve been constantly comparing and in envy of others, wishing I was as skinny as them, or smart and as popular as them. 

This sort of jealousy and mindset plagues friendships and can eventually break them if the feelings are strong enough. Which is sad, but undeniably a fact.

So because of all this, I think this summer will be about self-discovery. Finding out who I am accepting, embracing and changing for good (If i need to, of course).

Films I’ve watched  recently? The Paperboy, Compliance (highly recommended), Identity Thief (quite funny and amusing but MUCH longer than it needed to be), The place beyond the pines (technically I slept after a bit (It got boring after Ryan Gosling died), so I have to finish that) and yesterday I watched Match Point.

Sorry I haven’t been blogging frequently I’ve been quite busy- for real this time 🙂

 

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I found this really funny for some reason

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Image from http://sebreg.deviantart.com/art/Identity-Crisis-Cat-328116670