Tag: Care

Just You & Me: Why Quality Time Matters

Posted on by Han_A

There’s something about quality time with the right person that can dramatically uplift you.

I don’t know, perhaps it’s because I’m introverted and its one of my top official love languages. But upon talking to many other people about this topic, I think I’m not alone in thinking this. There’s something invaluable and incredibly meaningful about spending time with someone.

And yes, whilst group catch ups definitely have their place and can come under the umbrella of ‘quality time’, I would argue that ideal quality time is always (ideally) in a 1-2-1 setting.

The problem with this for most of us? Time. Quality time, as rewarding as it may be, is quite time intensive. This is why many people under utilise it. It may be that they’re hesitant to invest the time or eventually end up prioritising other things that take up less time. We have to fight with friends for time in their calendar, and many friends have to do the same with us

So, because most of us are time poor, some of us have developed the unhealthy habit of applying a ‘two birds one stone’ approach to quality time scheduled with those close to us. What does this mean? Well, if you’re meeting up with one friend, let’s call her Anna, you decide instead of making it a one to one, you’ll chuck in another friend, lets call her Cathy. The result is a singular meet up with both Anna and Cathy.

From your perspective it’s great – you’re busy and have been meaning to catch up with each of them for a while. Now, you get to do this in one clean swoop over coffee. Everyone leaves a winner, right? Wrong.

I absolutely hate this approach and, as tempting as it may be, always have to check myself to see if that mentality may be creeping into my social life planning. Because yes, even if Cathy and Anna know each other and you all end up having a great time, because there’s three of you there, you may still leave feeling like you didn’t actually get to properly catch up. Sometimes in group dynamics vulnerability becomes limited because it’s easier for it to feel ill placed. Also, what if Cathy wanted to tell you very personal news but now can’t because Anna is there? Or what if you start catching up and it quickly becomes clear that Anna has gone through a LOT in the last few weeks, so she unknowingly starts dominating the conversation. Next thing you know, all three of you are leaving for home and no one has a clue what’s up in Cathy’s life because she barely got to talk.

“Sometimes in group dynamics vulnerability becomes limited because it’s easier for it to feel ill placed.”

And what about situations where Anna and Cathy don’t know each other? I’ve been in these situations before. What tends to happen is that, as the Anna or Cathy in the situation, I think that I’m catching up with a friend alone. But when I arrive at our meeting spot, they’re with another friend, so what you thought would be a much needed catch up one on one ends up being an awkward dinner between three (sometimes more) people. And you know what they say about three people.

Moral of this story – don’t underestimate the power or quality time in a one-to-one format. For very tight friendship groups, i.e. ones with 3-6 people, it can feel a bit like a betrayal to not include everyone at every outing you arrange. Just know though that that is never going to be possible anyway. Neither is it conducive for each individual member of the group. One to one catch ups are vital to the sustaining of friendships and to actually getting to know people on a deeper level outside of a group setting. It’s easier for people to feel seen, appreciated and listened to (as long as you’re present!) and that feeling is priceless.

Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash

The Inconvenient Truth About Kindness

Posted on by Han_A

Kindness requires inconvenience.

Someone from my church mentioned this idea once (I think she was quoting a book) and it’s stuck with me since because it’s simple but very true.

Acts of kindness can often require us to step out of our bubbles of comfort. It’s therefore why the kind option in many situations can be the most unattractive to people. I’ll give the basic example of seating on bus, often there is an encouraged rule to get up for certain people who may need seated support more than you do. For example, those with disabilities, pregnant women and the elderly (who often have mobility issues that makes it hard to stand.) Despite this being common knowledge -it’s on bold stickers throughout most buses and tubes in London – no one actively makes an effort to stand and offer their chair when the time comes. They’re probably thinking ‘hmmm, if I give them my seat then I’ll have to stand on the bus for six stops and it’s already cramped as it is.’ In other words, the sacrifice causes discomfort they can anticipate coming, so to prevent that from being experienced they bypass the opportunity to be kind altogether. It’s quite sad to think about, especially when many actions like this are so easily done.

We should be actively looking for opportunities to help one another. That means being mindful of the environment around you – not just having headphones plugged in and oblivious to the world. I remember on a cold winter night last year running as fast as I could for a bus and missing it even though I was a few metres away. I was very annoyed and worried after that because the next bus wasn’t coming for a very long time. When I finally reached the bus stop I saw several people sitting down just completely unaware of my struggle, even though they may have seen me try to chase the bus. Imagine the difference to my night one of them may have made if they had done the simple gesture of holding the bus whilst I approached the bus stop? I don’t think it even occurred to one of them to do that but that’s what I mean by being active in looking for opportunities to help others. Sometimes you have to be creative, use initiative or go slightly beyond your realm of comfort.

If you’re so engrossed in looking at your nails or watching a YouTube clip, you may not notice that the person next to you is in need of help in some way. That’s because, nine times out of 10, people will not vocalise their need for help – body language and observation of unfolding events are needed to realise you may be needed in the moment. Even if you can’t help in that moment simply showing concern and asking ‘are you okay?’ or ‘are you in need of help?’ can be reassuring to someone. Especially in cities where selfishness breeds hostility, those words can be a pleasant breath of fresh air.

With this week marking the start of the new year – if you’re resolution list is looking empty, who not start simple and try to help more people this year?

*Photo by Vie Studio

An Honest Review: The Trials of Gabriel Fernandez

Posted on by Han_A

 

Trials of Gabriel Fernandez poster

TW: References to child abuse, neglect, physical abuse and domestic violence

I write this review with a heavy heart. In all honesty, I haven’t even finished this docu-series – I started today and am on episode 5 out of 6 – but I feel so strongly about the content that I will write a review of my thoughts so far anyway.

I myself wasn’t aware of the case of Gabriel Fernandez before this series. However, the UK is not a stranger to such cases, with the case being reminiscent of the ‘Baby P’ case in London that received heavy media coverage and exposed numerous flaws in our social system services which helped to enable the abuse. In summary, Gabriel died at 8 years old in 2018 after several months of abuse at the hands of his mother and her boyfriend. The case covers the trial of the perpetrators but also looks more widely at systematic flaws that prevented the abuse from being stopped. The series covers so many themes I could not possibly do it justice or unveil all my thoughts; however – I will try and do my best!

One thing that was different about the reaction to this case was that the District Attorney of LA decided to prosecute the social workers who were aware of or working on the case. Initially, when I heard about this I applauded in my head – the logic behind it seemed straight forward; they were made aware of the chain of incidences which clearly indicated removing Gabriel from his home was necessary but yet they failed to act accordingly. However, as the series progresses it seems that prosecuting the social workers seem insufficient in comparison to the size of the problem. One of the colleagues of the tried co-workers states she thinks they are scapegoats in this case and I suspect she might be right. After all, several members from the sheriff’s department also visited Gabriel’s house – the site of the abuse – and failed to intervene or detect such abuse was happening. So why weren’t the visiting police officers arrested? If you’re going to use that same logic to arrest certain parties then use it consistently and arrest them ALL. It does indeed seem suspicious that law enforcement received such immunity.

It is also quite annoying that systematic issues within large organisations are highlighted but never dealt with. By arresting and firing different staff within bureaucracies the problem doesn’t automatically disappear. If the system is inherently flawed then those staff will be replaced by people that will only continue to enforce the flawed system. Authorities need to put it in the leg work into changing work cultures, changing legislation and conducting appropriate reviews on their operations. Systematic change won’t happen overnight but if the failures aren’t properly addressed another tragedy could strike until it happens.

Something that struck me throughout was that not a single person – his teacher aside – thought to speak or interview the victim himself, Gabriel. If the police or members from social services wanted confirmation of details or verification of Gabriel’s welfare or state of mind – they asked the parents. This fact frustrated me because Gabriel was eight. Of course in some cases the children are too young to adequately express themselves but that wasn’t the case here. If Gabriel had just been given the chance to speak confidentially to someone things may have been different. Abuse typically thrives on secrecy. If the parents themselves are the perpetrators then, of course, they would say whatever’s necessary to ward people off the scent of their crimes. And that’s just what they did. The failure to consult Gabriel or actually listen to his cries – he was actually quite vocal about his abuse -indicates a wider problem. Where in the midst of everything the children are ironically forgotten; or the adults around them make the decisions affecting them but they themselves are never consulted. In this case, prioritising Gabriel’s mums right to custody of her child over Gabriel’s safety/welfare and right to live ultimately cost him his life. If predominately dealing with children such services need to adopt models with children and their rights at the centre.

Although I would recommend this docu-series, I would definitely warn that this is by no means an easy watch. It will make you feel uneasy, angry and frustrated. On the plus side, it does dig deep into the wider issues that Gabriel’s case highlighted. They also interview a wider range of experts and people involved or affected by the case – from a journalist that broke the story to one of Gabriel’s classmates who continues to mourn for him. Not many stones are left unturned and this is helped by the fact it a docuseries. If you feel it may be intense, simply take it one episode at a time but definitely do give it a watch.

The trailer for the Netflix docu-series can be found here.

 

In the moment. In the now.

Posted on by Han_A

I miss you, yet I see you every day.

Is this how it feels to be so close to someone

yet so far away?

Disclaimer: I write this (as with all my posts) with no malice. In fact, I may sometimes be guilty of this myself so I’ll keep that in mind throughout.

Is it only me or do people find it so hard to be in the moment nowadays? By that I mean just savouring the present moment and appreciating what you’re doing and who you’re with. I can sometimes be with people and see they’re with me but actually quite distant all at once. Distracted by their phone either pinging with messages or simply not strong enough to resist the momentary urge to scroll through social media whilst you are talking. And that can be quite a frustrating state of affairs; firstly because it set a precedent for the whole evening and secondly, it means they may not have heard something that you felt was really important or took a lot of courage to share. In fact, it can be quite rare I find to be with someone I know and just be within a moment where you’re both talking whilst filled with genuine appreciation and joy at being with that particular person. With no one else. Or anywhere else. But there. I have a friend that will always tell me off for being on my phone and insist I put it away when with her. As a true phone addict would, I used to be annoyed at that but after some reflection and observation of my own social situations in the past few months I’ve seen the logic behind what I thought was once madness on her part.

It may not be intentional but being on your phone indicates you’ve only half-heartedly pushed time aside for that person. That you’re physically present but mentally you’re only half present here and God knows where else. The greatest sign of care and love is when you’re sitting opposite each other or walking side by side and you’re friend puts their phone away and looks you square in the eyes and says ‘talk to me’. That’s the cue that says to me (supported by action) that, I’m here for you, I’m listening and I’m all yours. The exclusivity of time is one of the benefits of a relationship and should definitely be taken more seriously. It may feel more intense without your phone there to buffer the awkward moments if they arise but at the end of your time together- whether long or short- you’ll know and love each other that little bit more. Because you’ll be reminded all over again of why you love that person and keep them in your life.