Tag: friendships

Why Your Planner Friend Deserves a Break

Posted on by Han_A

Don’t you just love it when a good plan comes together?

It’s a peaceful night. You’re out with your friends enjoying life, sipping a drink and chatting away in a restaurant and thinking about how you love moments in life like this. The joy. The chat. The food.

You know who also loves a good plan coming together? Your planner friend.

We all have them. The friend in the group chat who drives forward plans, determined to make them a reality beyond everyone just saying ‘it would be great to catch up sometime’. They’ll do polls and send lots of replies, nudging everyone to get involved or send them money for an outing. They’re driven, they’re doers, and yes, they can be impatient, but they’re also efficient and can be trusted to get the task done. They’re close to priceless when it comes to planning important life events like baby showers and hen dos (bacherlettes and surprise birthday parties.) In fact, it’s in those moments their skills and organisation levels shine brightest.

However, as a self-identified planner friend myself, I write this to say, sometimes your planner friends need a break! They can’t always be the ones trusted to be proactive and make things happen. Although they can do it, are good at it and may often even get joy out of it, IT DOESN’T MEAN THEY SHOULD ALWAYS DO IT. What can then happen is that some friendship groups may fall into a dynamic where they over-rely on the planner to make things happen. If that friend can’t make the event, then the plan doesn’t happen, or it does but is shoddily planned and executed.

Enough is enough. Treat your planner friend once in a while (if not, more) and show that they can put their feet up. That their love for their friends isn’t unrequited – effort is taking place on all sides other than theirs. I get it, we’re all busy people and have lots going on in life. But it does sometimes get to a point where you have to evaluate your capabilities and time. What are you prioritising? Surely not everything in your diary is inflexible and important? A quick shuffling around of commitments can sometimes be all it takes to free up your time to do some planning. And that’s if planning even needs that much time, often the steps towards making a social happen can be quick and easy with minimal time needed (once a plan has been decided, that is!)

If the planner friend never catches a break, then there can be a danger of resentment building. And trust me, it’s only when the planner friend takes a step back or decides to ‘retire’ that you realise just how important a role they played in the friendship group.

Moral of the story: Give your planner friend(s) a break. They are valuable, so treat them like it!

*Photo by Towfiqu barbhuiya on Unsplash

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Any other planner friends in the house? Let me know your experiences below so we can find our tribe.

What happens in Rome: The Politics of Friendships on Holiday

Posted on by Han_A

With the new year stretched ahead of us, it’s the time of year where the early seeds of holiday planning begin. Looking at flight sales, applying for work annual leave and juggling the social calendar to clear a period for sun, sea and sunscreen.

However, who do you go with? This is the all consuming question which can sometimes take a while to answer as you hop from one Whatsapp conversation to another, trying to find a friend who is free to come on holiday with you. Some people may be happy solo travellers, so may not have this struggle very much, if not, at all. But a lot of us, like to travel in groups on holiday, so this necessary speed bump to holiday booking, will always occur at some point.

Holidays are infamously known to break up friendships, so companionship for one is not one you can choose wisely. I think there must be something about being with friends for an extended period of time, many miles from home, that ramps up the intensity.

There’s also the case of holiday personalities. I usually put people in one of the two categories, based on my experience and observations whilst holidaying myself:

  • ‘Activities’ people – These are people that are bursting with energy and want to tick everything off their tourist attractions list in as little time as possible.They like to use time efficiently, rising early in order to conquer all the sights and ‘must do’ items on their itinerary.
  • The chilled, laid back people – People that like to go with the flow – with the flow usually meaning being relaxed, typically by on a beach or a hotel poolside. They’re not averse to activities but like to prioritise rest.

I’m typically someone that leans towards the second category, although – once I’ve slept in and scoffed my hotel buffet breakfast, I become more of an ‘activities’ person. It just takes time.

I’ve learnt that a good trip balances both approaches and works so that both types of personality (if present on the trip) are catered to. The conflict with friends likely comes when friends don’t want to compromise on either the approaches above. To avoid that, it’s definitely worth compiling an itinerary and talking through what you want the trip to look like ahead of going. Are we going to have one or two days where we just relax and stay at the hotel/resort, for example? Even if you talk about it briefly, it will become clear which category your friend(s) are in and you can note this ahead of the trip.

Ideal situation? You come back home, having had an amazing trip with great memories and a friendship stronger than ever.

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Any trips planned for this year or destination recommendations? You can view my previous travel diary from my visit to Santorini here.

Photo by Ethan Robertson on Unsplash

Thought of the Day: When you need a friend

Posted on by Han_A

‘I miss the days when you could just go to friends’ houses and be welcomed’

Someone said something along those lines the other days and I immediately thought ‘I don’t’.

Imagine: you’ve just logged off after your last work meeting the day. Tired is not even the word for how you’re feeling. Dinner is ready and you already have a film in mind for the evening. JUST as you’re about to press play on the film – the doorbell rings.

I’m not even sure I was old enough to properly experience those days but imagine the hassle of having to welcome people into your home, unexpected and uninvited, at various hours of the day. Very stressful indeed. Particularly when you think about the energy and effort that often has to go into hosting people. It’s energy and effort I’m sure people these days are still willing to exert – just not without warning.

This sentiment plays into the wider idea that people are increasingly less accessible. And I suspect this is true. It’s ironic too considering we’re more well-connected tech-wise than we’ve ever been before. We’ve all had the scenario with someone close to us where you want to meet up with them and you have to flick through diaries – sometimes months ahead to find a feasible date that works for both of you. People in general have become less accessible and lonelier. Probably not a coincidence I suspect.

Even I often find having a social life, as much as I enjoy it, sometimes can feel like a part-time job. I’m always grateful once I’m around people but sometimes I feel like energy is always in short supply, particularly when social plans are made after work, which has used up all my energy – leaving me shattered and chewed out!

Back to this idea of accessibility though – I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing but it just depends on the level and frequency. For example, you may be inaccessible at certain points in a day or week and that’s fine, if not necessary for your sanity. Also, how do we define accessibility? Typically, how easy it is to get through to people by phone. This becomes a problem if you want to be accessible a lot because you feel you can’t really detach from your phone – always paranoid when you do THAT will be the moment someone has an emergency and needs you. Likely a delusional thought but one I have often, nonetheless.

Many people are actively trying to limit their screen time and I support this. In fact, I should probably jump on that train soon but for now, using do not disturb and making sure calls are scheduled (as opposed to spontaneous!) are my happy medium.

How do you manage your screen time and stay accessible to others? Any tips?

Photo by NoWah Bartscher on Unsplash

In the moment. In the now.

Posted on by Han_A

I miss you, yet I see you every day.

Is this how it feels to be so close to someone

yet so far away?

Disclaimer: I write this (as with all my posts) with no malice. In fact, I may sometimes be guilty of this myself so I’ll keep that in mind throughout.

Is it only me or do people find it so hard to be in the moment nowadays? By that I mean just savouring the present moment and appreciating what you’re doing and who you’re with. I can sometimes be with people and see they’re with me but actually quite distant all at once. Distracted by their phone either pinging with messages or simply not strong enough to resist the momentary urge to scroll through social media whilst you are talking. And that can be quite a frustrating state of affairs; firstly because it set a precedent for the whole evening and secondly, it means they may not have heard something that you felt was really important or took a lot of courage to share. In fact, it can be quite rare I find to be with someone I know and just be within a moment where you’re both talking whilst filled with genuine appreciation and joy at being with that particular person. With no one else. Or anywhere else. But there. I have a friend that will always tell me off for being on my phone and insist I put it away when with her. As a true phone addict would, I used to be annoyed at that but after some reflection and observation of my own social situations in the past few months I’ve seen the logic behind what I thought was once madness on her part.

It may not be intentional but being on your phone indicates you’ve only half-heartedly pushed time aside for that person. That you’re physically present but mentally you’re only half present here and God knows where else. The greatest sign of care and love is when you’re sitting opposite each other or walking side by side and you’re friend puts their phone away and looks you square in the eyes and says ‘talk to me’. That’s the cue that says to me (supported by action) that, I’m here for you, I’m listening and I’m all yours. The exclusivity of time is one of the benefits of a relationship and should definitely be taken more seriously. It may feel more intense without your phone there to buffer the awkward moments if they arise but at the end of your time together- whether long or short- you’ll know and love each other that little bit more. Because you’ll be reminded all over again of why you love that person and keep them in your life.