Tag: Kindness

TOTD: Don’t be picky with your kindness 

Posted on by Han_A

My current watch on Netflix is a Korean drama called Hierarchy. The series is set in an elite private school. It explores the school’s (toxic) mini-society. The story centres on the protagonist, academy newbie, Kang-Ha, who’s there to turn it upside down. He has an agenda, but it turns out, he’s not the only one. Very riveting watch so far, would recommend. 

One couple in the show (Jae-i and Ri-an); experience a sudden break-up. ‘Sudden’ in the sense that Jae-i doesn’t necessarily explain why the breakup is happening, she just asks for it and goes on her way. Throughout the rest of the drama this activates some possessive monster in her ex, Ri-an, who is keen to win her back at all costs. When that doesn’t work, he decides to sabotage or physically harass anyone who remotely gets close to Jae-i.

I’m coming to the end of the show, and I can’t help thinking Ri-an is a terrible human being. Very self-involved, territorial, and unstable emotionally. However, when we see the flashbacks of him in his relationship with his ex, we see very caring, tender and emotionally vulnerable moments. Them running on the beach. The pair cosying up together on the sofa etc.

This brings me to my main point for today. This trope of the boyfriend who’s brutally mean to everyone except their partner needs to end. Firstly, why is that not a red flag? Even if you’re the most lover of lover boys, why does your kindness and compassion end when you’re not around me or in my vicinity? It’s a big indication of someone’s character if that’s their habit, and not in a good way. 

I suspect this trope comes up a lot because film and TV writers think ‘oooo look, we’re creating a very 3D character/love interest here.’ ‘There’s more to him than meets the eye. Yes, he’s a ravaging bully who destroys souls, but look at how passionately he can love the female lead. Determined to protect her and make her laugh in every way.’ 

I get it, I get it. And yes, we are in desperate need of more complex, authentic characters – emotionally vulnerable and especially male ones. The intention and good idea are there, but with questionable execution, perhaps. 

But if you’re that picky with your kindness and refuse to acknowledge the humanity in everyone other than your partner? Then there’s something sincerely wrong there, so I’ll politely give it a pass. It’s why the dating period is primarily one of observation at the best of times. How does your date speak to those around them? Family and friends are included in that list. But the TRUE test is in the nature of their interactions with those you don’t have any particular relationship or emotional attachment to. Waiters at restaurants. Cleaners in offices and hotels. 

What do you think? Would love to exchange thoughts in the comments! 🙂

The Inconvenient Truth About Kindness

Posted on by Han_A

Kindness requires inconvenience.

Someone from my church mentioned this idea once (I think she was quoting a book) and it’s stuck with me since because it’s simple but very true.

Acts of kindness can often require us to step out of our bubbles of comfort. It’s therefore why the kind option in many situations can be the most unattractive to people. I’ll give the basic example of seating on bus, often there is an encouraged rule to get up for certain people who may need seated support more than you do. For example, those with disabilities, pregnant women and the elderly (who often have mobility issues that makes it hard to stand.) Despite this being common knowledge -it’s on bold stickers throughout most buses and tubes in London – no one actively makes an effort to stand and offer their chair when the time comes. They’re probably thinking ‘hmmm, if I give them my seat then I’ll have to stand on the bus for six stops and it’s already cramped as it is.’ In other words, the sacrifice causes discomfort they can anticipate coming, so to prevent that from being experienced they bypass the opportunity to be kind altogether. It’s quite sad to think about, especially when many actions like this are so easily done.

We should be actively looking for opportunities to help one another. That means being mindful of the environment around you – not just having headphones plugged in and oblivious to the world. I remember on a cold winter night last year running as fast as I could for a bus and missing it even though I was a few metres away. I was very annoyed and worried after that because the next bus wasn’t coming for a very long time. When I finally reached the bus stop I saw several people sitting down just completely unaware of my struggle, even though they may have seen me try to chase the bus. Imagine the difference to my night one of them may have made if they had done the simple gesture of holding the bus whilst I approached the bus stop? I don’t think it even occurred to one of them to do that but that’s what I mean by being active in looking for opportunities to help others. Sometimes you have to be creative, use initiative or go slightly beyond your realm of comfort.

If you’re so engrossed in looking at your nails or watching a YouTube clip, you may not notice that the person next to you is in need of help in some way. That’s because, nine times out of 10, people will not vocalise their need for help – body language and observation of unfolding events are needed to realise you may be needed in the moment. Even if you can’t help in that moment simply showing concern and asking ‘are you okay?’ or ‘are you in need of help?’ can be reassuring to someone. Especially in cities where selfishness breeds hostility, those words can be a pleasant breath of fresh air.

With this week marking the start of the new year – if you’re resolution list is looking empty, who not start simple and try to help more people this year?

*Photo by Vie Studio

Why Sharing is (not always) Caring

Posted on by Han_A

I realised quite a while ago that I hate borrowing things to people. As most things do, it probably stems from my experience as a child in secondary school (high school, for the non-British folks).  

Back then I was always eagerly borrowing people my pens, pencils – and even money but rarely getting my items back. At the time I had just started getting into graphic novels; I was reading a fantastic graphic novel series of Manga-version Shakespeare novels which I had borrowed from my local library. After talking to a friend – let’s call her Janie – about the series, something possessed me to borrow her the book, no harm, right? So I thought. After all, I saw her everyday so receiving the book back should be a straight forward process. Janie was in the year below me but we always hung out in the library together since we loved books, they were the main building block of our bond. Days stretched out to weeks and each time I asked Janie about the book she always had an excuse. After buying herself a few months she eventually coming clean that she had lost the book. I remember feeling a sharp pang of disappointment, although it was basically a confirmation of what I had already suspected. 

Don’t lend what you can’t afford to lose 

Now, as a fully-fledged adult, you wouldn’t dare catch me borrow one of my books to someone – they’re prized possessions. Also, my secondary school experience taught me something – once you borrow someone an item of yours, you do so with the optimistic belief that they will treasure it like their own. Of course, this is hardly the case in my experience. A random experience that comes to mind is when I watched someone use my pen in class (which I had loaned to them) and they started biting it. BITING IT. It was probably an absent-minded gesture, something they do with every pen or in the throes of concentrating, but COME ON – biting takes the mick. 

Nowadays I try to control the variables when it comes to borrowing or giving – it has to be something low value, that I can deal with losing or that I have many of, and has to be to someone I trust to a certain degree. So, chocolates or sweets – yes. Books or a prized pen gifted for my birthday – No, absolutely not. Boundaries such as these, I’ve learnt are the key to stress-free borrowing (if such a thing exists.) 

One of the reasons I take this seriously is because – like it or not – not being able to trust someone with your things can negatively affect your relationship with them. You may have to start reassessing their character or the things you trust them with. Of course, there may be legitimate reason why something can’t be returned to you but if this is a frequent occurrence? Then, yes – questions may need to be asked. 

Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com

Inspired by Kindness 

I think the slightly sad thing about my aversion to borrowing is that it sometimes makes it a lot harder to give – especially in circumstances where it counts and can actually be lifechanging. For example, tithing in church used to be a constant struggle (things have changed in that department though, thank God.) Or even donating to a homeless person – my heart will be moved to action but my mind will put up a road block by whispering ‘won’t you need that money later, Hannah?’ 

I remember going for a walk with a friend and as we passed an off license, we came across a homeless person sitting opposite the shop. Without hesitation she offered to buy him a drink and listened as he weighed out his options. As we went into the store and hunted for his final choice – orange juice – I was moved by her kindness and the readiness she possessed to give. 

Admittedly, I’m still working on being more giving (so I’m not in much of a position to give advice) but I’ll end with that scene because to this day it still makes me smile. 😊 

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Have you had any bad experiences with borrowing people items or money? Comment below and let’s talk!

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