Tag: Life

Rules of Engagement

Posted on by Han_A

LOVE IS IN THE AIR (again)! 💕💖

Is it me, or does it feel like everyone was getting married in late September this year?

Don’t get me wrong, I love love – I was even at a wedding myself recently!

However, it did get me thinking of what I wanted my proposal to look like.

Recently, when talking to a friend who was herself heading to a surprise proposal for someone else, I said I’m happy for my man (when I have one lol) to propose to me on the sofa. She was quite surprised, and we laughed about it because it was clear we had opposing views on this. And maybe sofa is a bit of an understatement – I still definitely want effort and a carefully crafted affair.

The sentiment of wanting it to be a private and beautiful moment – ideally between just us two – still stands. When I think of the idea of public proposals, something about them just increases my stress levels massively. Although they can be a great chance to splash cash and exercise creativity, they’re too ‘in your face’ for a momentous event that shouldn’t really be anyone else’s business.

I remember there was even a TV show for a brief time on BBC Three, which followed an agency which solely specialised in creating public engagement ideas – think flashmobs and bright costumes. Their existence shows the appetite for lavish proposals is huge! Quite questionable to me, but also an unsurprising sign of the times. I do get the appeal, customers that go to them and do these lavish proposals want to scream about their love from the city rooftops. A private affair, perhaps, is doing a disservice and not reflective of their passion for their partner (or so they believe). It definitely screams confidence – to echo Isla Fisher’s quote from Definitely Maybe.

However, for me, when you have a large crowd of people, there’s a natural need to perform and act/respond in a certain way. Most people will say ‘yes’ through teary eyes, but I often wonder if it sometimes feels like slight coercion. So many eyes are on you, waiting for a positive response. They want to cheer and clap and then go about their daily lives, forgetting about you. Yet it’s you who has to live with whatever answer you say in that moment – particularly if it’s not a genuine one. Buy what else can you really say in that moment? I’m not the best actor in the world; if completely blindsided in such a way, I worry that my face will betray me, and annoyance or confusion will show. And not in a cute way.

There’s also an Instagrammification of proposals that also bothers me. They’re literally moments that have ‘fake privacy’, tailored to look good for online posts now. And you can quickly see it when you search for them on the app. I’ve done so, for the research purposes of this post, and can tell you that a solid 95% of them have a standing love heart arch made of roses, and lots of rose petals on the ground. Is there any other way to do proposals these days? Well, according to social media – no. To me, this tarnishes the moment, distorting it to something that’s more for the spectators as opposed to those there in the moment.

No natural way to end this post but let’s make proposals great again, and keep them for an audience of two, please.

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Do you have any stories of proposals you’ve witnessed, attended or even your own? Would love to hear them! Comment below and let’s chat 😊

TOTD: Don’t be picky with your kindness 

Posted on by Han_A

My current watch on Netflix is a Korean drama called Hierarchy. The series is set in an elite private school. It explores the school’s (toxic) mini-society. The story centres on the protagonist, academy newbie, Kang-Ha, who’s there to turn it upside down. He has an agenda, but it turns out, he’s not the only one. Very riveting watch so far, would recommend. 

One couple in the show (Jae-i and Ri-an); experience a sudden break-up. ‘Sudden’ in the sense that Jae-i doesn’t necessarily explain why the breakup is happening, she just asks for it and goes on her way. Throughout the rest of the drama this activates some possessive monster in her ex, Ri-an, who is keen to win her back at all costs. When that doesn’t work, he decides to sabotage or physically harass anyone who remotely gets close to Jae-i.

I’m coming to the end of the show, and I can’t help thinking Ri-an is a terrible human being. Very self-involved, territorial, and unstable emotionally. However, when we see the flashbacks of him in his relationship with his ex, we see very caring, tender and emotionally vulnerable moments. Them running on the beach. The pair cosying up together on the sofa etc.

This brings me to my main point for today. This trope of the boyfriend who’s brutally mean to everyone except their partner needs to end. Firstly, why is that not a red flag? Even if you’re the most lover of lover boys, why does your kindness and compassion end when you’re not around me or in my vicinity? It’s a big indication of someone’s character if that’s their habit, and not in a good way. 

I suspect this trope comes up a lot because film and TV writers think ‘oooo look, we’re creating a very 3D character/love interest here.’ ‘There’s more to him than meets the eye. Yes, he’s a ravaging bully who destroys souls, but look at how passionately he can love the female lead. Determined to protect her and make her laugh in every way.’ 

I get it, I get it. And yes, we are in desperate need of more complex, authentic characters – emotionally vulnerable and especially male ones. The intention and good idea are there, but with questionable execution, perhaps. 

But if you’re that picky with your kindness and refuse to acknowledge the humanity in everyone other than your partner? Then there’s something sincerely wrong there, so I’ll politely give it a pass. It’s why the dating period is primarily one of observation at the best of times. How does your date speak to those around them? Family and friends are included in that list. But the TRUE test is in the nature of their interactions with those you don’t have any particular relationship or emotional attachment to. Waiters at restaurants. Cleaners in offices and hotels. 

What do you think? Would love to exchange thoughts in the comments! 🙂

Thought of the Day: Just another capitalist mule

Posted on by Han_A

Don’t you feel the fatigue of always been targeted my adverts?

Buy this! Try that! 30 Day Free Trial! Two for the Price of one!

There’s so many of them and often I’m glazed over, in an indifferent state. But equally, there are times when I’m just trying to simply gather my thoughts and then I look over, perhaps whilst standing at the train station, and BAM I spot an advert. Intrusive, bold and pushy. Selling me something shiny and trying to convince me I can’t live without it. It’s like we can’t be left alone for a split second.

I open my emails, filled with ads and newsletters aggressively trying to sell something you likely don’t need or can’t afford. Same with TV. Same now with many streaming sites, as they embrace advertising in order to offer cheaper tiers of membership. And don’t get me started on podcasts – even on Spotify Premium they’re now rife. There’s literally no refuge. Unless you fork out the money that is, and who has the time for that.

Often, the ads are irrelevant and not of interest. And even if it is I’m often sceptical thinking that the product or offer being pushed out has some small print designed to catch me out. It’s why I barely ever sign up for free trials because I fear suddenly being caught in a web, trying to escape a service I don’t even like, use or intend to use long-term (think meal prep kits, exercise classes and streaming subscriptions). As you’ll know, based on experiences with customer services, if I can avoid having to fight customer services on the phone, then I will.

Instagram is where I can easily fall prey, so I have to be extra vigilant. Advertisements gently slip onto your timeline in the form of glossy, carefully manufactured content from influencers. Sometimes they’re so good you don’t even realise they’re an ad, especially if you’re not in the habit of properly reading post captions. Even the other day I saw an influencer advertising a spa getaway somewhere in the UK. I’m a sucker for a weekend getaway and a hot tub (a killer combo, if you ask me) so I perked up. I instantly went to her page and started looking through the hotel page. I closed it immediately after seeing the price per night because it was ridiculously expensive. Very annoying but I’m sure my bank account was thankful for my moment of wisdom.

How do you feel about adverts? Have you fallen for any against your better judgment that you can look back on at laugh at now?

*Photo by Joshua Earle on Unsplash

The Inconvenient Truth About Kindness

Posted on by Han_A

Kindness requires inconvenience.

Someone from my church mentioned this idea once (I think she was quoting a book) and it’s stuck with me since because it’s simple but very true.

Acts of kindness can often require us to step out of our bubbles of comfort. It’s therefore why the kind option in many situations can be the most unattractive to people. I’ll give the basic example of seating on bus, often there is an encouraged rule to get up for certain people who may need seated support more than you do. For example, those with disabilities, pregnant women and the elderly (who often have mobility issues that makes it hard to stand.) Despite this being common knowledge -it’s on bold stickers throughout most buses and tubes in London – no one actively makes an effort to stand and offer their chair when the time comes. They’re probably thinking ‘hmmm, if I give them my seat then I’ll have to stand on the bus for six stops and it’s already cramped as it is.’ In other words, the sacrifice causes discomfort they can anticipate coming, so to prevent that from being experienced they bypass the opportunity to be kind altogether. It’s quite sad to think about, especially when many actions like this are so easily done.

We should be actively looking for opportunities to help one another. That means being mindful of the environment around you – not just having headphones plugged in and oblivious to the world. I remember on a cold winter night last year running as fast as I could for a bus and missing it even though I was a few metres away. I was very annoyed and worried after that because the next bus wasn’t coming for a very long time. When I finally reached the bus stop I saw several people sitting down just completely unaware of my struggle, even though they may have seen me try to chase the bus. Imagine the difference to my night one of them may have made if they had done the simple gesture of holding the bus whilst I approached the bus stop? I don’t think it even occurred to one of them to do that but that’s what I mean by being active in looking for opportunities to help others. Sometimes you have to be creative, use initiative or go slightly beyond your realm of comfort.

If you’re so engrossed in looking at your nails or watching a YouTube clip, you may not notice that the person next to you is in need of help in some way. That’s because, nine times out of 10, people will not vocalise their need for help – body language and observation of unfolding events are needed to realise you may be needed in the moment. Even if you can’t help in that moment simply showing concern and asking ‘are you okay?’ or ‘are you in need of help?’ can be reassuring to someone. Especially in cities where selfishness breeds hostility, those words can be a pleasant breath of fresh air.

With this week marking the start of the new year – if you’re resolution list is looking empty, who not start simple and try to help more people this year?

*Photo by Vie Studio

Let 2025 commence!

Posted on by Han_A

Happy New Year everyone!

Here’s to more exciting moments.

Feelings of breath taking delight

Moments that make you laugh till you feel light, like you’re flying.

Moments that make you smile till all the muscles in your face start to quiver.

Moments that make the passing of time feel like a burden

Moments that make the beauty of life clear – even if it’s a revelation as a brief as a solar eclipse.

For new visitors to my blog – welcome! Apologies to my followers since I’ve admittedly been a bit absent from my site. Partly due to time constraints over the last few months. But also due to a weird writer’s block that likes to hold me hostage every now and then. My brain hasn’t been entirely devoid of ideas! However, the ideas are fleeting so I need to start writing them down very quickly! In my mind already, I’ve probably written a thousand posts. But according to my digital footprint I well…haven’t.

Hopefully this year I can let my bloggish thoughts *hold space* and convert them into article goodness for you to read. I’m aiming for one article a week, so watch this space. Do let me know if you would like to read anything in particular. I’ve noticed, for example, that my Netflix TV series reviews tend to do quite well, so I’ll try and write some more of those for you throughout the year!

Thought of the Day: When you need a friend

Posted on by Han_A

‘I miss the days when you could just go to friends’ houses and be welcomed’

Someone said something along those lines the other days and I immediately thought ‘I don’t’.

Imagine: you’ve just logged off after your last work meeting the day. Tired is not even the word for how you’re feeling. Dinner is ready and you already have a film in mind for the evening. JUST as you’re about to press play on the film – the doorbell rings.

I’m not even sure I was old enough to properly experience those days but imagine the hassle of having to welcome people into your home, unexpected and uninvited, at various hours of the day. Very stressful indeed. Particularly when you think about the energy and effort that often has to go into hosting people. It’s energy and effort I’m sure people these days are still willing to exert – just not without warning.

This sentiment plays into the wider idea that people are increasingly less accessible. And I suspect this is true. It’s ironic too considering we’re more well-connected tech-wise than we’ve ever been before. We’ve all had the scenario with someone close to us where you want to meet up with them and you have to flick through diaries – sometimes months ahead to find a feasible date that works for both of you. People in general have become less accessible and lonelier. Probably not a coincidence I suspect.

Even I often find having a social life, as much as I enjoy it, sometimes can feel like a part-time job. I’m always grateful once I’m around people but sometimes I feel like energy is always in short supply, particularly when social plans are made after work, which has used up all my energy – leaving me shattered and chewed out!

Back to this idea of accessibility though – I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing but it just depends on the level and frequency. For example, you may be inaccessible at certain points in a day or week and that’s fine, if not necessary for your sanity. Also, how do we define accessibility? Typically, how easy it is to get through to people by phone. This becomes a problem if you want to be accessible a lot because you feel you can’t really detach from your phone – always paranoid when you do THAT will be the moment someone has an emergency and needs you. Likely a delusional thought but one I have often, nonetheless.

Many people are actively trying to limit their screen time and I support this. In fact, I should probably jump on that train soon but for now, using do not disturb and making sure calls are scheduled (as opposed to spontaneous!) are my happy medium.

How do you manage your screen time and stay accessible to others? Any tips?

Photo by NoWah Bartscher on Unsplash

The pursuit of ‘getting yourself together’ and why we often fail at it

Posted on by Han_A

Recently I watched a video on YouTube, in which a woman talks for 12 mins essentially about how her life, is anything but in order. You can watch it here – it’s called ‘I’m a 33-year-old woman with no life’. To provide some context, The Youtuber featured is divorced and currently job searching. And although she explains she has the social support of friends, this is something that perhaps would have surprised her younger self, who expected her to be happily in love and professionally thriving at her now age (33.) I’m sure many can relate to this feeling. Many women, in particular, often put a timeline on certain experiences or key moments they want to happen in their lives – i.e. having a baby at 26, owning a house by 35, etc. But you know what they say about plans we make. God laughs. Very loudly.

Although only about two months old, the video has blown up – receiving over a million views in that short amount of time. So, a natural question for me, as a self-proclaimed curiosity queen, once I saw the views it was racking up was ‘why?’. Two obvious answers you may come to:

  1. Why not? It’s good/interesting content that naturally attracts people over time.
  2. Maybe it’s more of a schauenfraude situation where people watch to gain comfort from the YouTuber’s misery. (I.e. ‘Thank God, I’m not her – my life sounds much better.’)

I did of course consider the above but both were quickly dispelled when I read through the comments on the hunt for an answer to my question – why was this video becoming so popular?

I was quite surprised to see that so many people resonated personally with the video. Many felt that they had fallen short of their own expectations – particularly female commenters and were just relieved to have their insecurities or perceived sense of stagnation mirrored back to them.

There was something about this YouTuber’s story that simply resonated with viewers even if it was only a chunk of the story and not it’s whole. And perhaps, her straightforward honesty and approach were refreshing on a platform where everyone feels they have to be scripted, overly bubbly or dramatic. They’re extremes that have worked for content on YouTube for a while, and to some extent still do. However, as the rise of this video shows, there seems to be a growing desire for authentic content. Where creators are more forthcoming about their flaws and instead of presenting themselves as experts that viewers must go to – perhaps creating more of a community. This may simply mean instead of having a video that gives ‘expert’ advice, you admit you don’t know and ask people for their advice on the topic.

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Thought of the Day: Everybody loves good neighbours

Posted on by Han_A

Many of us are familiar with the much-loved Australian soap that is Neighbours. For those that aren’t, it features a close-knit community of people that live on a road called Ramsey Street, as they get on with their lives.

However, switch to real life and many of us don’t have close next-door neighbours as they do in the show. You come out of your home on a sunny day and it’s not suddenly ‘oh hey Harold’, ‘Good morning, Mrs Specks!’ – as you’ll typically see dramatised each morning on screen. Instead, it’s a quiet affair. If you see familiar faces that you suspect live nearby or on the street, you may smile or give a nod but the general aim is to keep it moving.

It’s one of the major problems that has grown with living in urban areas – many people live insular lives. It’s why loneliness rates simply skyrocket within cities, compared to the countryside where populations are likely smaller and more friendly with each other. In fact, what we see through social media is what seems to be a massive spike of distrust of neighbours even – people are installing Ring doorbells in droves, eager to find out which suspicious neighbour has been stealing their property or whatnot.

I was thinking more about this breakdown of the urban neighbourhood in response to hearing the tragic story of Kenneth Battersby and his son, Bronson. In summary, Kenneth living in central England (East Midlands, for my UK readers) had a suspected heart attack late last month and his son, who was only two years old, who suddenly no longer had parental support was forced to fend for himself before eventually dying of starvation days later. They were found by social services earlier this month. Such a tragic story – I really couldn’t believe it. Neighbours reportedly recalled hearing the child crying for his ‘daddy’ So I couldn’t help but wonder, if neighbours checked in on each other more, and had those bonds – would they have perhaps discovered the distressed child earlier?. Only God knows, I guess.

Obviously, I can’t generalise since I’m sure there are some fairly close knit city based neighbourhoods out there. I even see, to help this issue, that local councils or active local residents try to organise events such a street parties or jumble sales, to bring people closer. This post is simply based on my observations and own experience. I’ve lived on my street in London for over twenty years and probably know/ speak to about five people or families out of the thirty-odd properties that surround my house (tragic, I know). I don’t see that changing very much in the future, to be honest but I think what’s important is being open to those conversations, being helpful and cordial where you can with such neighbours so those opportunities to bond can happen.

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Let’s talk! What is your neighbourhood like? Are you close with your neighbours or wish you knew them better? Let me know!

*Photo by Mark Stuckey on Unsplash

The many faces of a predator – A review of docuseries, ‘Betrayal: The Perfect Husband’

Posted on by Han_A

TW: This series and my review about it concern grooming and sexual assault

About

This three-episode docuseries, available on Disney+ explores a case featured in the (apparently) well-known podcast – Betrayal (season 1).

In 2019, teacher Spencer Herron was arrested for sexual assault of a pupil and eventually pleaded guilty. This shocked everyone around him who saw him as a happy husband and passionate teacher, who taught at the local high school (whilst occasionally doing music work with the army.)

The series mainly follows Jenifer Faison, a reality TV producer (if I recall correctly) Spencer’s ex-wife, and the Betrayal podcast host who unpack the series of events and discoveries that follow Spencer’s arrest.

My thoughts

Although I am a massive podcast fan, particularly of stories told in an investigative manner (think Serial, Dirty John and Hoaxed), having visuals to aid the storytelling for this particular story was useful and refreshing. As someone who is a fan of efficiency too, I suspect the series tells the story slightly faster than the podcast does so I feel like I’ve won back more of my time overall! Although I’m sure referring to the podcast is a good idea if you want further details possibly not covered in the series.

Sexual predators have a knack for being able to wear different masks accordingly. They do so with strategy and at all times. Why? Because without such deceit, their offenses would not be possible. Grooming and any assault that follows thrives on secrecy. Jennifer describes how Spencer was nothing but loving towards her, she recalls fond memories of him being attentive and doting as a boyfriend, and later as her husband. It’s why what happened next (i.e. him being arrested) was a rather abrupt series of events for her – she never saw it coming from a million miles away. And with one arrest her life started to collapse around her as more secrets were revealed.

Wearing masks, or rather crafting public perception carefully means that predators are always under the radar. Spencer is described as a popular teacher, the one the kids found ‘cool’. He even won a Teacher of the Year award in their district, for goodness sake. This is important to note because it means when allegations of such come out people usually react first with incredulity – ‘Spencer doing that? Surely not’. He’s such ‘a good man’. Of course, this isn’t true, he’s worked hard to ensure you only see a manufactured positive side to him that would ensure he avoided suspicion. It also paints a picture of what a survivor is up against if they want to speak out – who would believe that Mr Good guy teacher would do such a thing? The next assumption is that the accuser must have an agenda up their sleeves. Belief in their claims and solidarity with the survivor never occurs as an option to some. The uphill mountain can be steep enough for survivors to be scared silent altogether. However, there’s so much power in speaking out and I appreciate they were able to dedicate an episode to the survivor, Rachel’s story.

I think this series, although on a topic that is sadly not new, is done well and handled very sensitively. It explores the raw emotions and talks with various people affected by the chain of events – from Jennifer herself who had to deal with the unprecedented events of the person she was married to being an abuser and serial adulterer, to Jennifer’s parents and the various pupils taught by Spencer Heron. There was a saddening moment when Jennifer’s mum in the middle of talking said that this was the first time, she’d properly acknowledged that she had so much anger about this situation. It was a striking moment for her and one that stuck with me – I nearly welled up at that moment actually.

Properly respecting the story and experiences of those affected by a crime is always a sign of a good documentary or podcast for me. We often spend too long trying to psychoanalyse and ‘understand’ criminals themselves and whilst I can understand the appeal it means we often lose the voices of survivors in the process. A balance must be struck and this series aside, many media outlets have a lot of work to do in that regard.

It’s confirmed what I’ve always thought – that unfortunately, many sex offenders do not get as harsh a sentence as they deserve for the damage, they’ve inflicted on the community they reside and offend within. Whilst no bodies have to be buried, the scars they leave are deep and painful, often never leaving those affected – especially direct victims.

Recommend?

Anyway, I would recommend the watch – it’s very informative, the series is peppered with psychological insight from professionals which helps dive deeper into the story it’s covering but be warned it’s not an easy one.

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For reviews of a similar topic, click here (Netflix series, the Trials of Gabriel Fernandez) or here (review of book, My Dark Red Vanessa).

Photo by Mick Haupt on Unsplash

Thought of the Day: Why don’t you like me?

Posted on by Han_A

A recent post on Instagram reminded me of the blunt truth that some people don’t like you and never will. The people pleaser in me feels very indignant about that reality, thinking ‘Surely there’s something you can do or say to make everyone like you. Maybe you just haven’t discovered what that is yet.’

But the reality is, it’s not true. And although being unliked can be controlled or addressed in some circumstances, particularly if you (perhaps unknowingly) caused the hostility, sometimes it can’t. It might sometimes be because of factors you can’t control or don’t know, and that can be very frustrating. It can feel like an unsolvable puzzle which, no matter how much head scratching you don’t get closer to finding answers. And it can suck particularly if the hostility comes from someone you think is amazing – it’s just that they sadly don’t view you the same way.

It’s why the Biblical command to love others (John 13:34) can be very trying at the best of times. It’s all smooth sailing when the love and kindness is reciprocated but when others don’t see your worth or like you – how do you just blindly do the same? Even I’m (admittedly) sometimes inclined to like or value people a lot less if I don’t feel they don’t like me. We get a dopamine hit from being loved, appreciated and cared for so it’s very easy to avoid or throw people to the wayside if they don’t give you that feeling through positive treatment. I mean, love between humans will always be conditional in some shape or form – even if we perceive it not to be. (It’s what makes the way God loves us so spectacular and special! 😊).

As humans, alone in our own strength, I’m inclined to believe it’s impossible to love the way John 13 commands. We’ll always need divine help for this. But how others feel or behave towards us should not dictate the worth and value we see in them. As the new year approaches, even if you’re going into it quite indifferent and with low expectations – perhaps we can put on our goal list to have the courage to love others more boldly.

Photo by Tyler Nix on Unsplash