Tag: Life

Turning T&Cs into TLC

Posted on by Han_A

I walked passed a store recently which had a sign saying ‘free goody bags’; a sign which of course piqued my curiosity as someone who is a shameless lover of free goods. But when I paused to read further I saw that it only applied to those who spent a certain amount in the store- £60 or more.

I perceive life to be like that too; with terms and conditions (T&Cs) attached to every decision we make. Will the decision cause our financial hardship? Will it cause us mental or physical harm? The problem is- we don’t always know what those terms and conditions are until we living with the decision we have made.

This is something I’ve come to accept recently since I tend to be overly cautious with decision making. Simply because, I don’t want to live with easily avoidable regrets (but then again, who does?) But something occurred to me recently- there’s something to be learnt in every regret we have- or rather, every instance that caused a regret. Seeing regrets as learning curves changes things dramatically; for one it helps shift our perspective. Wade through the shame, embarrassment and self-resentment that your regrets have burdened you with and find a learning point you can take away from it. Maybe the lesson is to appreciate those in your life more, to leave fewer words unsaid, or maybe it’s to make more time for the things you love.

That learning curve will hopefully prepare you for a future situation and when the time comes; you will be thankful you went through that regretful situation.

 

Pressure makes diamonds…eventually

Posted on by Han_A

 

food healthy yellow broken
Some eggs make it, some don’t. (Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com)

I remember when I was younger I used to whack ice cube trays on any kitchen surface I could find in order to get some ice cubes out. I did that more recently with (what proved to be) a less sturdy ice cube tray and it broke, much to my surprise. Similarly, a popular science experiment kids do in school is to wrap an egg in newspaper etc. and drop it from a window to see if it breaks. Sometimes they survive the fall, sometimes they don’t.

Sometimes I feel like we’re like that unfortunate ice cube tray or a smashed egg. We seem sturdy and strong – and believe we are so – but when faced with a high-pressure situation we suddenly find ourselves crumbling under the intensity of it all.

It’s worth evaluating once in that situation, a ‘storm’ of sorts, how we can we find a way to navigate the waters much more easily. For me, prayer is key for guidance but another thing that helps is self-reflection; how can I channel this feeling of pressure into productivity? What assistance do I need? And most importantly; what is my mindset and how is it feeding into my current situation? For example, I can unknowingly be quite negative at times, so literally forcing myself whilst working to think ‘I can do this‘, works more wonders than we give it credit for.

Life is but a stage

Posted on by Han_A

At the end of day and at the end of this life

When the last tear has been cried

and our last song sung

We just want to know

that we became someone

Numerous events throughout this year have made me continuously reflect on how fleeting life is. Attending a funeral service. Reading in the paper recently of a bride that died on her way to the church to get married. Walking to the station in West London and seeing the looming presence of Grenfell Tower under the night sky.

It can be scary mainly due to the unpredictability of it all. From apps that predict menstrual cycles to apps that display weather forecasts, bus times and TV schedules – access to information that predicts things happening before they actually do is usually right at our fingertips. Death, unfortunately, has never been one of those things and can pierce through our lives like lightning- violent, nosy, sudden and always unwelcome. Another unpredictable aspect is who it will happen to. In Macbeth Shakespeare likened life to a stage- with everyone in life having cues on when to enter but also on when to exit. But how do you know when the play is finally over and it’s your cue to exit?

It sounds quite depressing to ponder on but it should actually get us thinking and fill us with urgency. I’m always reminded of Beyonce’s song ‘I Was Here’ when it comes to legacy- the lyrics appeal to the fundamental part of everyone that wants to leave a positive imprint on Earth before they die. Not necessarily so that they’re remembered because of it but rather so that they can die with the peace of knowing that just one life was bettered through their existence.

Reflecting on it all, I’ve decided I want to be known for love. For loving people fiercely. That may take different forms- since God himself is love and reflects it in different forms. From defending the oppressed and campaigning against injustice to simply just being there and listening to people; letting them know I see you. I want to be the one that embodies all those things. It’s a tall task but one I feel I’m called to. And in the end, it may not get me named after a community centre or charity foundation but a big legacy is not always the most meaningful. Holding an intimate place in the heart and minds of a few loved ones is more than enough.

Have you decided what your legacy will be?

In the moment. In the now.

Posted on by Han_A

I miss you, yet I see you every day.

Is this how it feels to be so close to someone

yet so far away?

Disclaimer: I write this (as with all my posts) with no malice. In fact, I may sometimes be guilty of this myself so I’ll keep that in mind throughout.

Is it only me or do people find it so hard to be in the moment nowadays? By that I mean just savouring the present moment and appreciating what you’re doing and who you’re with. I can sometimes be with people and see they’re with me but actually quite distant all at once. Distracted by their phone either pinging with messages or simply not strong enough to resist the momentary urge to scroll through social media whilst you are talking. And that can be quite a frustrating state of affairs; firstly because it set a precedent for the whole evening and secondly, it means they may not have heard something that you felt was really important or took a lot of courage to share. In fact, it can be quite rare I find to be with someone I know and just be within a moment where you’re both talking whilst filled with genuine appreciation and joy at being with that particular person. With no one else. Or anywhere else. But there. I have a friend that will always tell me off for being on my phone and insist I put it away when with her. As a true phone addict would, I used to be annoyed at that but after some reflection and observation of my own social situations in the past few months I’ve seen the logic behind what I thought was once madness on her part.

It may not be intentional but being on your phone indicates you’ve only half-heartedly pushed time aside for that person. That you’re physically present but mentally you’re only half present here and God knows where else. The greatest sign of care and love is when you’re sitting opposite each other or walking side by side and you’re friend puts their phone away and looks you square in the eyes and says ‘talk to me’. That’s the cue that says to me (supported by action) that, I’m here for you, I’m listening and I’m all yours. The exclusivity of time is one of the benefits of a relationship and should definitely be taken more seriously. It may feel more intense without your phone there to buffer the awkward moments if they arise but at the end of your time together- whether long or short- you’ll know and love each other that little bit more. Because you’ll be reminded all over again of why you love that person and keep them in your life.

Cutting through the noise

Posted on by Han_A

You’re enough. You’re blessed. You’re fabulous. In fact, you’re pretty darn amazing. You may not see it from time to time and sometimes the negative thoughts become like a dark haze, causing your amazing-ness obscure from view. But trust me, it remains a fact- so never forget that.

I write these words for anyone who is going through a rough patch and needs to hear it. But I also write these as a note to myself. Recently feelings of self-doubt and insecurity have been slowly flooding the walls of my mind and it has honestly felt quite tiring and unbearable at times. But insecurities are like that, they can end up silently leeching your energy and you won’t even know until you have none left. A good visual image to imagine how it feels is a cliche film scene where the female character enters the bathtub and submerges herself in the water. There’s a deafening pause as you wonder if she will arise again and choose life. And she always does. Gasping for air and slightly panicked, but she always does.

In the same way, when flooded with the thoughts we have to come back fighting. It’s definitely hard, but equally as possible. I believe that for every deafening feeling of self-doubt we have God is screaming even louder the words I started the blog with. Constantly. All the time. We just have to make the active choice to cut through the noise and listen. Over the voices of society or our peers. But most importantly, over the voices of ourselves.

Memories come, memories go…

Posted on by Han_A

I was watching a K-drama recently and the male protagonist Jun-yeong said something interesting. Something along the lines of

‘Memories are scary because you can’t control them.’

The more I pondered on it the more I found it to be true. We create memories but over time they can become like muddy waters that were once clear. We see elements of what makes the original thing but can’t grasp or remember the bigger picture. On a more logical note, even things like dementia, Alzheimers and amnesia take away the human ability to rely on our brains to store our memories like living room cabinet’s store china. Untouched, in one piece and always there for reference. I’ve always thought this is what fuels our addiction to various forms of technology- we love those phones and cameras can capture moments with crystal clear clarity that will remain over time. In this way, they have an added advantage the mind does not.

I was thinking about this [the unreliability of memories] as I read Michelle Obama’s Becoming and the sceptical voice in my head kept asking ‘how on earth does someone remember their childhood with so much clarity?’ Even when I look back to when I was such an age I can’t remember everything- which saddens me slightly- as if my mind’s once-tight grasp has loosened on these precious jewels whilst life turned my attention away.

But I am encouraged by what I do remember. The shine of the sun recently for example, randomly reminded me of the Sunday evening rush to the street outside so we could be first in line when the ice-cream van arrived. (You could always hear it before you saw it.) My siblings and I would always order a flavour called ‘lemon ice’ which captured the two-sided sweet-tangy nature of lemon perfectly. And although we may obsess over the specifics, it’s the feeling of happiness such treasured memories give you which is even more priceless.

Posted on by Han_A

I’ve been quiet for a while so I thought I would just celebrate the weekend with another poem of mine 🙂

Silent Combat

Sometimes you don’t

realise you’re at war

Until you’re lying on the ground

sore with scars and wounded.

One person, many masks

Posted on by Han_A

Beneath the fragile surface of your laughter

I see

the tears you are drowning in.

____________________________________________________

I’ve always been fascinated with this idea of everyone hiding a secret pain and suffering. That perhaps the strong person welding a smile or air of politeness there’s pain lingering inside. I remember when I was in primary school and in music class we learned The Beatles’ song ‘Eleanor Rigby’. In the song is the line:

‘Eleanor Rigby…waits at the window, wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door,

who is it for?’

I remember my young mind literally imagining a lady carefully taking a pale mask out of a jar each day and applying it to her face as she steps out of her door and into the world. But of course, nowadays- now that I am older I see it differently. Each of us wears a mask out of necessity because let’s be honest; I’m sure there have been many times where someone has asked ‘how are you?‘ and you’ve wanted to say ‘not great’ but held back. For me, that happens way too often but I’m sure its a common occurrence for many. But every time we grin and nod that’s our mask playing its role and coming into use. In fact, we probably do way more than we know, and sometimes without ourselves noticing.

I try to keep this in mind when approaching people, it’s always good to be aware that a smile hides 1000 things. It makes you navigate conversation carefully with people and more open to people maybe saying a simple ‘no’ when asked ‘Are you okay?’

Ghosts of Friendships past

Posted on by Han_A

Friendship is a funny thing. Am I the only one that looks down the long hallway that is my past and sees the floating shadows of many former friendships? These are not necessarily friendships that suffered an explosive ending. Most of the time you try to keep in touch but days pass and the next thing you know two years have gone and you’ve barely spoken.  I do see these friends every now and then but the conversation is very brief and shallow, almost as if you’re back to acquaintance (or even stranger) level again. After all, people do change- and much quicker than we know sometimes. Although the joyful memories associated with them bring happiness, you almost have to take time to grieve that individual as you realise the intimacy you shared may not ever be experienced again.

But as the old ends, new ones begin and such is the pain and beauty of friendship.

__________________

 

I hate that we don’t talk

as much as we used to.

Will I ever meet some someone like you

I often wonder.

The spontaneous singing

The endless conversations

the laughing, the moments.

Heart to hearts

All in the past.

 

 

From Graduation to the Grind: the Post-university Experience

Posted on by Han_A

accomplishment ceremony education graduation
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Graduating from university is such a surreal experience. Funnily enough, when starting a university course- you don’t actually imagine what it will feel like for that course to end. All your energy is focused on studying and surviving your degree. The graduating process- and even the run-up towards it- is an ideal time for reflection and thanksgiving. Everyone’s experience has been different, with most people at some time or the other experiencing the feeling they may not actually make the end of their course. Yet, that moment as you secure your parchment or stand with family under the lens- smile beaming is a testament to your perseverance and hard work. You can proudly look at your transcript and say, ‘I did that.’

The significance of the completion of this specific stage in your life, especially for many BAME students is immense- with many being the first generation in their family to enter and complete higher education. As you sit in the hall for your ceremony waiting along with pride and excitement, there is a sense that anything is possible; a room packed with students will be tomorrow’s politicians, lawyers and entrepreneurs.

For those that recently graduated, along with a huge congratulations, here are some tips to steady you in this new phase of your life:

  1. Remain Positive– for those that are starting their job search positivity can easily be lost in the midst of your worries about the future. What do I want to do? Where will I be doing it? There is no denying that job hunting can be laborious- especially for graduates who are up against fierce competition when applying for roles and schemes. Additionally, as black people we are up against institutional racism which constantly remains a silent (and often covert) enemy in many industries. For example, in 2016 TUC research found that unemployment amongst BAME students is higher than that of their white counterparts; and this is regardless of their level of qualification i.e bachelors or PhD etc. However, there is also good news since the same statistics also showed- employment rates amongst BAME people are the highest they’ve other been since records started in 2001. This simply shows that yes, despite an intersection of struggles (partly due to being a graduate and partly due to being black), success is indeed possible.
  2. Everyone’s path is different– although very exciting and a great doorway to various opportunities, graduate jobs are not for everyone. This means if you find yourself in a non-graduate role, or an entry-level role different from your envisioned ‘dream job’, don’t be disheartened. This applies even to those who aren’t recent graduates but yet find themselves in this position. You may even discover you are lacking skills for the industry of your choice and therefore choose to invest in yourself by gaining a qualification, doing some formal training or a course. Remember, success is not instantaneous; rather it is a process that requires planning and premeditated steps.
  3. Your experience tells a story– getting the grades is only half of the purpose of university; the other half centres around your experience. Thousands of people can go to the same university but grades aside, what will distinguish you from the rest is your experience. Maybe you were the treasurer of the dance society? Or helped with charity fundraising and ran for a student union position? Such experience not only indicates you possess a variety of skills, it always reflects your character; you’re likely to be a go-getter, a team player and someone who is driven. And it is this experience- and the traits they indicate that is going to carry you the extra mile when applying for jobs. So, if you are applying; whether that be for a full-time graduate job or simply a summer job before starting your postgraduate reflect on your experience and ask yourself what exactly you got out of it- good and bad; both types of experiences count!