Tag: time

Just You & Me: Why Quality Time Matters

Posted on by Han_A

There’s something about quality time with the right person that can dramatically uplift you.

I don’t know, perhaps it’s because I’m introverted and its one of my top official love languages. But upon talking to many other people about this topic, I think I’m not alone in thinking this. There’s something invaluable and incredibly meaningful about spending time with someone.

And yes, whilst group catch ups definitely have their place and can come under the umbrella of ‘quality time’, I would argue that ideal quality time is always (ideally) in a 1-2-1 setting.

The problem with this for most of us? Time. Quality time, as rewarding as it may be, is quite time intensive. This is why many people under utilise it. It may be that they’re hesitant to invest the time or eventually end up prioritising other things that take up less time. We have to fight with friends for time in their calendar, and many friends have to do the same with us

So, because most of us are time poor, some of us have developed the unhealthy habit of applying a ‘two birds one stone’ approach to quality time scheduled with those close to us. What does this mean? Well, if you’re meeting up with one friend, let’s call her Anna, you decide instead of making it a one to one, you’ll chuck in another friend, lets call her Cathy. The result is a singular meet up with both Anna and Cathy.

From your perspective it’s great – you’re busy and have been meaning to catch up with each of them for a while. Now, you get to do this in one clean swoop over coffee. Everyone leaves a winner, right? Wrong.

I absolutely hate this approach and, as tempting as it may be, always have to check myself to see if that mentality may be creeping into my social life planning. Because yes, even if Cathy and Anna know each other and you all end up having a great time, because there’s three of you there, you may still leave feeling like you didn’t actually get to properly catch up. Sometimes in group dynamics vulnerability becomes limited because it’s easier for it to feel ill placed. Also, what if Cathy wanted to tell you very personal news but now can’t because Anna is there? Or what if you start catching up and it quickly becomes clear that Anna has gone through a LOT in the last few weeks, so she unknowingly starts dominating the conversation. Next thing you know, all three of you are leaving for home and no one has a clue what’s up in Cathy’s life because she barely got to talk.

“Sometimes in group dynamics vulnerability becomes limited because it’s easier for it to feel ill placed.”

And what about situations where Anna and Cathy don’t know each other? I’ve been in these situations before. What tends to happen is that, as the Anna or Cathy in the situation, I think that I’m catching up with a friend alone. But when I arrive at our meeting spot, they’re with another friend, so what you thought would be a much needed catch up one on one ends up being an awkward dinner between three (sometimes more) people. And you know what they say about three people.

Moral of this story – don’t underestimate the power or quality time in a one-to-one format. For very tight friendship groups, i.e. ones with 3-6 people, it can feel a bit like a betrayal to not include everyone at every outing you arrange. Just know though that that is never going to be possible anyway. Neither is it conducive for each individual member of the group. One to one catch ups are vital to the sustaining of friendships and to actually getting to know people on a deeper level outside of a group setting. It’s easier for people to feel seen, appreciated and listened to (as long as you’re present!) and that feeling is priceless.

Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash

Thought of the Day: Making Time

Posted on by Han_A

Making time for people is definitely a love language.

I mean, speaking personally for me, when someone – as busy as they are – can make that time to accommodate your company or help you in some way it means the whole world. The time may not be very much but you’re aware it may have been difficult to even provide that little pocket of space, so it’s a short but meaningful time together.

In a world where everyone is busy all the time, making time for people, despite this can speak volumes and says a whole lot without saying much at all. Not just about your character, but how you feel about that other person too.

However, not everyone is this way – you often find people that just are always busy and brush off the plans with you because of it. Next thing you know, days become weeks, become months and you haven’t heard from this person. I mean I get it, we all have things to do, but what that tells me is that I’m very far down the priority list. This can be a bit disheartening, to say the least, but, as a silver lining, lets you know where you stand with certain people.

Obviously, depending on what occupies your time, you may have things in your calendar that can’t necessarily be reshuffled or deprioritised, even if you wanted to – and that’s fine. This particularly can be the case for many people with family responsibilities, senior work roles, or both, for example. The next best thing then is to look ahead – ‘I can’t see you or make this date to meet you, but perhaps we can do this alternative date instead?’ The proactivity behind this means the initial rejection you have to provide to that person ends on a positive note. It says ‘I still am keen to see you and invest in our relationship’ and that’s important. That reassurance is all people want and luckily, it doesn’t take much to provide it – just make time for them or display a willingness to.

How could you make more time for the people in your life?

Photo by Malvestida on Unsplash

Thought of the Day: Everywhere all at once

Posted on by Han_A

Every now and then you get asked the age-old cliché ice breaker of ‘If you could pick one superpower would it be?’ Most people turn to a typical few answers – being invisible, being able to read people’s thoughts, and so on. Even I usually say to fly (typically accompanied by the joke that I’ll save a fortune on travelling, especially around London because it’s never been a cheap endeavour.) However, do you know what one power is underrated? Being able to duplicate/clone yourself. I mean yes, it’s a bit of a scary prospect but for me, that’s outweighed by its various and obvious benefits.

One thing that can be stressful about trying to organise your social calendar is when things conflict – two parties at the same time, someone having a dinner whilst you’re on holiday. Most of the time you equally want to go to both and can imagine you’ll enjoy whichever one you choose which makes it more painful that you can’t be at both places at once. To avoid stress and keep some integrity, my general rule at the moment on such occasions is that I’ll try and honour the first commitment I make. It makes things easier practically but emotionally it can sometimes still be hard to reject something else.

On the other hand, if you could duplicate yourself, imagine the possibilities. Double the experiences and knowledge at all times! One of me could be working full time and my clone could be exploring the world, ticking country after country off my bucket list. Time is such a rare commodity these days, perhaps you could slowly claw some of it back as you strategically use your clones(s) to attend events on your behalf.

I’ll end by bringing this post down to Earth because, of course, I know no one can duplicate themselves (if you can, please comment below and make yourself know😁.) And to some extent, there are benefits behind this limitation – because our time and where we can be at any one time is limited, it makes how we spend it more meaningful. When you go to a friend’s birthday or housewarming do, for example, it makes it more meaningful to know that you could have been anywhere else but decided to not go to those and instead came to support/spend time with you.

_____

Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

In the moment. In the now.

Posted on by Han_A

I miss you, yet I see you every day.

Is this how it feels to be so close to someone

yet so far away?

Disclaimer: I write this (as with all my posts) with no malice. In fact, I may sometimes be guilty of this myself so I’ll keep that in mind throughout.

Is it only me or do people find it so hard to be in the moment nowadays? By that I mean just savouring the present moment and appreciating what you’re doing and who you’re with. I can sometimes be with people and see they’re with me but actually quite distant all at once. Distracted by their phone either pinging with messages or simply not strong enough to resist the momentary urge to scroll through social media whilst you are talking. And that can be quite a frustrating state of affairs; firstly because it set a precedent for the whole evening and secondly, it means they may not have heard something that you felt was really important or took a lot of courage to share. In fact, it can be quite rare I find to be with someone I know and just be within a moment where you’re both talking whilst filled with genuine appreciation and joy at being with that particular person. With no one else. Or anywhere else. But there. I have a friend that will always tell me off for being on my phone and insist I put it away when with her. As a true phone addict would, I used to be annoyed at that but after some reflection and observation of my own social situations in the past few months I’ve seen the logic behind what I thought was once madness on her part.

It may not be intentional but being on your phone indicates you’ve only half-heartedly pushed time aside for that person. That you’re physically present but mentally you’re only half present here and God knows where else. The greatest sign of care and love is when you’re sitting opposite each other or walking side by side and you’re friend puts their phone away and looks you square in the eyes and says ‘talk to me’. That’s the cue that says to me (supported by action) that, I’m here for you, I’m listening and I’m all yours. The exclusivity of time is one of the benefits of a relationship and should definitely be taken more seriously. It may feel more intense without your phone there to buffer the awkward moments if they arise but at the end of your time together- whether long or short- you’ll know and love each other that little bit more. Because you’ll be reminded all over again of why you love that person and keep them in your life.

Ghosts of Friendships past

Posted on by Han_A

Friendship is a funny thing. Am I the only one that looks down the long hallway that is my past and sees the floating shadows of many former friendships? These are not necessarily friendships that suffered an explosive ending. Most of the time you try to keep in touch but days pass and the next thing you know two years have gone and you’ve barely spoken.  I do see these friends every now and then but the conversation is very brief and shallow, almost as if you’re back to acquaintance (or even stranger) level again. After all, people do change- and much quicker than we know sometimes. Although the joyful memories associated with them bring happiness, you almost have to take time to grieve that individual as you realise the intimacy you shared may not ever be experienced again.

But as the old ends, new ones begin and such is the pain and beauty of friendship.

__________________

 

I hate that we don’t talk

as much as we used to.

Will I ever meet some someone like you

I often wonder.

The spontaneous singing

The endless conversations

the laughing, the moments.

Heart to hearts

All in the past.

 

 

Free with flowing thoughts…

Posted on by Han_A

On the day I should have been writing this post I had been sitting in an Itsu cafe in South London. It was desolate and peaceful. And in my head as I savoured the peace I congratulated myself for finding my little haven in the bustle. Even though I only had half the day off [of work] I really didn’t know what to do. I had piled on my tabletop the various options I had considered; Bible study booklet, current reading book and notebook for creative writing. It’s quite weird having even just a relatively small amount of time on your hands if you’re used to being on the go non-stop. It’s almost like your mind has to (with a lot of effort) tell your body to chill so you properly relax; embrace the moment of stillness.

As I adjusted and became more comfortable I people watched. In the back of my mind, I imagined being in a small and chic Parisian cafe watching busy folk curry across pavements to the sound of sipping coffee.

It was quiet in the shop but a customer sitting by the door inspired this:

 

Mr Anonymous

He plots world domination

one click at a time.

Liking tweet after tweet

twiddling with his headphones and

smiling out of the window

before swiftly disappearing onto the street,

melting into the crowd.