Tag: TOTD

TOTD: Don’t be picky with your kindness 

Posted on by Han_A

My current watch on Netflix is a Korean drama called Hierarchy. The series is set in an elite private school. It explores the school’s (toxic) mini-society. The story centres on the protagonist, academy newbie, Kang-Ha, who’s there to turn it upside down. He has an agenda, but it turns out, he’s not the only one. Very riveting watch so far, would recommend. 

One couple in the show (Jae-i and Ri-an); experience a sudden break-up. ‘Sudden’ in the sense that Jae-i doesn’t necessarily explain why the breakup is happening, she just asks for it and goes on her way. Throughout the rest of the drama this activates some possessive monster in her ex, Ri-an, who is keen to win her back at all costs. When that doesn’t work, he decides to sabotage or physically harass anyone who remotely gets close to Jae-i.

I’m coming to the end of the show, and I can’t help thinking Ri-an is a terrible human being. Very self-involved, territorial, and unstable emotionally. However, when we see the flashbacks of him in his relationship with his ex, we see very caring, tender and emotionally vulnerable moments. Them running on the beach. The pair cosying up together on the sofa etc.

This brings me to my main point for today. This trope of the boyfriend who’s brutally mean to everyone except their partner needs to end. Firstly, why is that not a red flag? Even if you’re the most lover of lover boys, why does your kindness and compassion end when you’re not around me or in my vicinity? It’s a big indication of someone’s character if that’s their habit, and not in a good way. 

I suspect this trope comes up a lot because film and TV writers think ‘oooo look, we’re creating a very 3D character/love interest here.’ ‘There’s more to him than meets the eye. Yes, he’s a ravaging bully who destroys souls, but look at how passionately he can love the female lead. Determined to protect her and make her laugh in every way.’ 

I get it, I get it. And yes, we are in desperate need of more complex, authentic characters – emotionally vulnerable and especially male ones. The intention and good idea are there, but with questionable execution, perhaps. 

But if you’re that picky with your kindness and refuse to acknowledge the humanity in everyone other than your partner? Then there’s something sincerely wrong there, so I’ll politely give it a pass. It’s why the dating period is primarily one of observation at the best of times. How does your date speak to those around them? Family and friends are included in that list. But the TRUE test is in the nature of their interactions with those you don’t have any particular relationship or emotional attachment to. Waiters at restaurants. Cleaners in offices and hotels. 

What do you think? Would love to exchange thoughts in the comments! 🙂

Thought of the Day: Just another capitalist mule

Posted on by Han_A

Don’t you feel the fatigue of always been targeted my adverts?

Buy this! Try that! 30 Day Free Trial! Two for the Price of one!

There’s so many of them and often I’m glazed over, in an indifferent state. But equally, there are times when I’m just trying to simply gather my thoughts and then I look over, perhaps whilst standing at the train station, and BAM I spot an advert. Intrusive, bold and pushy. Selling me something shiny and trying to convince me I can’t live without it. It’s like we can’t be left alone for a split second.

I open my emails, filled with ads and newsletters aggressively trying to sell something you likely don’t need or can’t afford. Same with TV. Same now with many streaming sites, as they embrace advertising in order to offer cheaper tiers of membership. And don’t get me started on podcasts – even on Spotify Premium they’re now rife. There’s literally no refuge. Unless you fork out the money that is, and who has the time for that.

Often, the ads are irrelevant and not of interest. And even if it is I’m often sceptical thinking that the product or offer being pushed out has some small print designed to catch me out. It’s why I barely ever sign up for free trials because I fear suddenly being caught in a web, trying to escape a service I don’t even like, use or intend to use long-term (think meal prep kits, exercise classes and streaming subscriptions). As you’ll know, based on experiences with customer services, if I can avoid having to fight customer services on the phone, then I will.

Instagram is where I can easily fall prey, so I have to be extra vigilant. Advertisements gently slip onto your timeline in the form of glossy, carefully manufactured content from influencers. Sometimes they’re so good you don’t even realise they’re an ad, especially if you’re not in the habit of properly reading post captions. Even the other day I saw an influencer advertising a spa getaway somewhere in the UK. I’m a sucker for a weekend getaway and a hot tub (a killer combo, if you ask me) so I perked up. I instantly went to her page and started looking through the hotel page. I closed it immediately after seeing the price per night because it was ridiculously expensive. Very annoying but I’m sure my bank account was thankful for my moment of wisdom.

How do you feel about adverts? Have you fallen for any against your better judgment that you can look back on at laugh at now?

*Photo by Joshua Earle on Unsplash

Thought of the Day: Love out loud

Posted on by Han_A

After the Good Friday church service a few months ago, I was chatting with some people from the church after having a meal together. A couple from church had kindly hosted us in their home and served a lovely English roast. The meal was finished so we were in that period where everyone was having chatter while letting the food in their stomach gracefully settle. In the middle of the conversation, one of the children of the adults at the table there burst into the room with an almost pained look on his face, filled with a sense of urgency. ‘DAD, DAD, DAD’

‘What is it, buddy?’ his dad responded.

‘I just wanted to say that I love you!’

It’s a heartwarming moment I still think about. At the time I just laughed since we all panicked originally at the child’s urgency, so the ‘I love you’ felt very cute (if not, a tad unexpected), but also anticlimactic.

It got me thinking though – are we loving the people around us in all the ways and languages we can?

There’s so much power in the verbal declaration of love. It’s one of the reasons weddings are so significant in the journey of a relationship and why they hold so much meaning. Don’t get me wrong, the words alone only hold true when actions correlate but just hearing those words can be soothing and settle the heart. Never assume people know, even those closest to you – they can sometimes, ironically, be the people who doubt you love them the most. And I’m of the opinion there should never be a day your love is doubted by those you believe deserve it most.

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How do you best make the people around you feel loved?

Photo by Oleg Laptev on Unsplash

Thought of the Day: When you need a friend

Posted on by Han_A

‘I miss the days when you could just go to friends’ houses and be welcomed’

Someone said something along those lines the other days and I immediately thought ‘I don’t’.

Imagine: you’ve just logged off after your last work meeting the day. Tired is not even the word for how you’re feeling. Dinner is ready and you already have a film in mind for the evening. JUST as you’re about to press play on the film – the doorbell rings.

I’m not even sure I was old enough to properly experience those days but imagine the hassle of having to welcome people into your home, unexpected and uninvited, at various hours of the day. Very stressful indeed. Particularly when you think about the energy and effort that often has to go into hosting people. It’s energy and effort I’m sure people these days are still willing to exert – just not without warning.

This sentiment plays into the wider idea that people are increasingly less accessible. And I suspect this is true. It’s ironic too considering we’re more well-connected tech-wise than we’ve ever been before. We’ve all had the scenario with someone close to us where you want to meet up with them and you have to flick through diaries – sometimes months ahead to find a feasible date that works for both of you. People in general have become less accessible and lonelier. Probably not a coincidence I suspect.

Even I often find having a social life, as much as I enjoy it, sometimes can feel like a part-time job. I’m always grateful once I’m around people but sometimes I feel like energy is always in short supply, particularly when social plans are made after work, which has used up all my energy – leaving me shattered and chewed out!

Back to this idea of accessibility though – I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing but it just depends on the level and frequency. For example, you may be inaccessible at certain points in a day or week and that’s fine, if not necessary for your sanity. Also, how do we define accessibility? Typically, how easy it is to get through to people by phone. This becomes a problem if you want to be accessible a lot because you feel you can’t really detach from your phone – always paranoid when you do THAT will be the moment someone has an emergency and needs you. Likely a delusional thought but one I have often, nonetheless.

Many people are actively trying to limit their screen time and I support this. In fact, I should probably jump on that train soon but for now, using do not disturb and making sure calls are scheduled (as opposed to spontaneous!) are my happy medium.

How do you manage your screen time and stay accessible to others? Any tips?

Photo by NoWah Bartscher on Unsplash

Thought of the day: Observer of change, woman of growth

Posted on by Han_A

Every now and then I dip in and out of Facebook which I’ve had since I was a teenager. It’s weird because many things that happen remind me of how much things – particularly the people I grew up with – have changed.

I find myself, for example, unliking a lot of pages that I previously loved/eagerly followed when younger or randomly wondering who some of the people I’m ‘friends’ with are. Back when I was more active on the platform, I had a weird obsession with getting to 1,000 friends – it literally means nothing, just a random goal that I was determined to meet. I did reach it over time but, as with many milestones you create in your mind, nothing happened – no pot of gold dropped into my lap or whatnot (sadly).

I increasingly realise with each scroll that growth is inevitable and is actually more evident than I like to think it is. My community of friends and what I’m into are evolving. I’ve probably not realised it since I often feel like more of an observer of change on the platform – everyone is having babies, getting married, or proposed to – with lots of cute pictures to announce such, and I’m just there…

But as I unliked a page recently and viewed one of those ‘memories’ from Facebook which remind you of what you posted on a specific day several years ago, I realised perhaps I’ve grown more than I thought I have.

Perhaps, the world isn’t just passing me by – a runaway train I missed the chance to jump on.

Perhaps the transformation I’ve always seen as something I could only glimpse from a distance is closer than I realise.

There’s comfort in that and enjoyment in hoping that change continues on a positive trajectory as I seek to discover what on Earth it means to be ‘me’.

Have you had a moment of reflection recently on how much or in what ways exactly you’ve grown? Feel free to comment and share 🙂

Photo by Tobias Dziuba

Thought of the Day: Making Time

Posted on by Han_A

Making time for people is definitely a love language.

I mean, speaking personally for me, when someone – as busy as they are – can make that time to accommodate your company or help you in some way it means the whole world. The time may not be very much but you’re aware it may have been difficult to even provide that little pocket of space, so it’s a short but meaningful time together.

In a world where everyone is busy all the time, making time for people, despite this can speak volumes and says a whole lot without saying much at all. Not just about your character, but how you feel about that other person too.

However, not everyone is this way – you often find people that just are always busy and brush off the plans with you because of it. Next thing you know, days become weeks, become months and you haven’t heard from this person. I mean I get it, we all have things to do, but what that tells me is that I’m very far down the priority list. This can be a bit disheartening, to say the least, but, as a silver lining, lets you know where you stand with certain people.

Obviously, depending on what occupies your time, you may have things in your calendar that can’t necessarily be reshuffled or deprioritised, even if you wanted to – and that’s fine. This particularly can be the case for many people with family responsibilities, senior work roles, or both, for example. The next best thing then is to look ahead – ‘I can’t see you or make this date to meet you, but perhaps we can do this alternative date instead?’ The proactivity behind this means the initial rejection you have to provide to that person ends on a positive note. It says ‘I still am keen to see you and invest in our relationship’ and that’s important. That reassurance is all people want and luckily, it doesn’t take much to provide it – just make time for them or display a willingness to.

How could you make more time for the people in your life?

Photo by Malvestida on Unsplash

Thought of the Day: Everybody loves good neighbours

Posted on by Han_A

Many of us are familiar with the much-loved Australian soap that is Neighbours. For those that aren’t, it features a close-knit community of people that live on a road called Ramsey Street, as they get on with their lives.

However, switch to real life and many of us don’t have close next-door neighbours as they do in the show. You come out of your home on a sunny day and it’s not suddenly ‘oh hey Harold’, ‘Good morning, Mrs Specks!’ – as you’ll typically see dramatised each morning on screen. Instead, it’s a quiet affair. If you see familiar faces that you suspect live nearby or on the street, you may smile or give a nod but the general aim is to keep it moving.

It’s one of the major problems that has grown with living in urban areas – many people live insular lives. It’s why loneliness rates simply skyrocket within cities, compared to the countryside where populations are likely smaller and more friendly with each other. In fact, what we see through social media is what seems to be a massive spike of distrust of neighbours even – people are installing Ring doorbells in droves, eager to find out which suspicious neighbour has been stealing their property or whatnot.

I was thinking more about this breakdown of the urban neighbourhood in response to hearing the tragic story of Kenneth Battersby and his son, Bronson. In summary, Kenneth living in central England (East Midlands, for my UK readers) had a suspected heart attack late last month and his son, who was only two years old, who suddenly no longer had parental support was forced to fend for himself before eventually dying of starvation days later. They were found by social services earlier this month. Such a tragic story – I really couldn’t believe it. Neighbours reportedly recalled hearing the child crying for his ‘daddy’ So I couldn’t help but wonder, if neighbours checked in on each other more, and had those bonds – would they have perhaps discovered the distressed child earlier?. Only God knows, I guess.

Obviously, I can’t generalise since I’m sure there are some fairly close knit city based neighbourhoods out there. I even see, to help this issue, that local councils or active local residents try to organise events such a street parties or jumble sales, to bring people closer. This post is simply based on my observations and own experience. I’ve lived on my street in London for over twenty years and probably know/ speak to about five people or families out of the thirty-odd properties that surround my house (tragic, I know). I don’t see that changing very much in the future, to be honest but I think what’s important is being open to those conversations, being helpful and cordial where you can with such neighbours so those opportunities to bond can happen.

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Let’s talk! What is your neighbourhood like? Are you close with your neighbours or wish you knew them better? Let me know!

*Photo by Mark Stuckey on Unsplash

Thought of the day: ‘It could be worse’

Posted on by Han_A

When did saying ‘It could be worse’ become a comforting thing?

I remember hearing the words from someone a few months ago when I was having a low period and for some reason, it just sparked annoyance in me.

I mean, yes it well could be. But does that make my pain any less valid? No.

Because if you truly play that game then any situation you’re in could always be worse. Let’s say your cat of ten years just went missing and someone says those words to you when you’re confiding in them about your unhappiness stemming from the situation. Of course, it could be worse. You could have tripped on your way home, bloodied your nose and sprained your ankle. And THEN after hopping home with a tissue to your nose, you enter the house to find out a) your cat is nowhere to be seen and b) there’s somehow been a leak in the kitchen and now a quarter of the house is wet. So, are you telling me that because all of that didn’t happen, instead only my cat went missing, that I shouldn’t feel sad or as down? Sounds a bit like dodgy reasoning, doesn’t it?

People who say it do of course do so with the sincerest of intentions, so obviously you never want to bark at them that that’s not exactly what you want to hear right now, even if you’re thinking exactly that. However, just so we all take steps to prevent ourselves from being that person, it’s worth thinking about what that person needs to hear in that moment and that line, is most likely not it.

I do understand the sentiment behind it – it’s meant to evoke gratitude. ‘Thank God that burglar only stole this from my house instead of x and y (too).’ And while that gratitude can be evoked, sometimes it’s not and the person can come across as a bit tone deaf. Sometimes you instead feel this frustrating guilt at your sadness like you can’t properly acknowledge it’s there, let alone dwell on it, because in the grand scheme of things the event was quite trivial (or so you’re made to feel.)

That’s not the greatest feeling to be feeling when you’re down or want to comfort others. The moral of the story is that it’s okay to just be there for someone, and listen.

*Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Thought of the Day: Where the lost things are

Posted on by Han_A

There’s something that really stresses me out about losing things. You flip covers and look through corners of your home, your eyes viciously roaming your surroundings and fear coursing through your veins as you worry the item may never be found again.

That blind panic when you think you’ve lost your phone or keys 😭

The title of this post is reminiscent of a book by writer Cecelia Ahern, which I remember reading as a child. Although I can’t recall much of the book’s plot line (sorry!), the idea conveyed in the title is intriguing. Could you imagine if there was a faraway place where lost things went? The one airpod that you gave up searching for many years ago, those pair of trousers you loved that magically went missing, and – of course – 101 pairs of odd socks. I often imagine that there is and picture my lost things laughing at me as I get all hot and bothered trying to find them. Not like that helps matters, of course.

The truth is, with lots of these little things I lose on a day to day life will indeed go on but my mind whispers irrational lies, telling me now the ‘order’ in my life has been disrupted and even if that disruption is minor, it will be felt. I’ll often go to sleep after losing something and as a result start dreaming about the item, that I recover it only to wake up to the reality that it is indeed lost.

A second truth is that this shows I probably value my material items way more than I should (I know, very unbiblical of me) but that’s a blog post for another day.

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Have you ever lost any items important to you and how did you feel when you did? Did you find it/them again?

Thought of the day: Riding solo

Posted on by Han_A

Recently I’ve been feeling like life is for the taking, however, I’ve been holding back on seizing cool opportunities and experiences I want to have because I have no one to do them with sometimes. Sounds silly, doesn’t it?

Me casually treating myself to brunch on my day off last month

Typically, and inevitably with adult life, you will have moments where everyone seems busy and dates can’t align for certain occasions. Sometimes you spend so long coordinating dates with people for events you miss out on tickets or end up deciding to do something you’re less passionate about as a compromise, for the sake of friendship quality time. Then afterwards there would be these underlying bubbling resentment, as if my friend’s business prevented me from going to event x, when I could have just gone anyway (even if it does mean riding solo)! So, these days I’m starting to learn to still consider going to things anyway.

It’s an attitude that is growing popular amongst many people nowadays, from what I see. It’s likely what is fuelling the rise in ‘solo travelling’, and to be fair, I can see the appeal. Travelling along means fewer compromises and more control over your itinerary and experience. Even outside of travelling, doing things like having meals alone can be nice. A little treat/ dating thy self! It’s a nice way to carve that ever-so-important ‘me time’ that’s needed to reflect and recuperate before jumping back on the fast-moving train of life. When you do it the first few times you get paranoid that the waiter and people around you (who are all – surprise surprise – in groups) are judging you. But over time you care about these things less – on a basic level you’re hungry and want to be fed, is it a crime to be hungry alone? I think not.

Admittedly though, for me anyway, not every experience is for doing alone and there is a beauty in shared experiences that I still love. And practically speaking, there’s safety in numbers (especially when abroad.) I also, as someone who can be socially anxious, always appreciate having company I feel safe around and that I can navigate social situations with. However, being open and willing to do things alone doesn’t necessarily mean having to choose whether to be a loner or social butterfly, it just gives you more options – and we’re a big of those around here!