Tag: conversation

Above the noise: exploring the Cocktail Party Effect

Posted on by Han_A

I CAN’T HEAR YOU.

You’re out with a friend, after months of wrangling each other’s diaries for a free date to meet and this is all you keep thinking about as you sit together in a restaurant trying to catch up. Imagine the frustration.

They’re probably telling you about a dramatic day in their job or something heartfelt their partner recently did and you can’t hear a single piece of juicy information because the music is too darn loud 😠. This has happened to me too many times to count in recent months, if not years. It’s gotten to the point where the other day I joked with someone that it seems like 90% of adult life is shouting above music to speak to people. Can’t remember too well but I suspect I shouted that joke above loud music (as if to prove my point is valid.)

This is a common scenario that creates what I’ve recently discovered is called ‘the cocktail party effect’ – the ability to follow and hear one noise amongst numerous others. The only problem these days is that this ‘effect’ is failing – people are not as capable of it as they once were. This article in I news, explores the problem and hints it may be a precursor to hearing loss. According to a study cited in the article, 70% of people have trouble hearing conversations in noisy places – with Gen Z being the worst affected. For me it’s become unbearable to the point I’ll sometimes just sit there helpless in a group and drink my drink, planning my exit, partly to preserve my social battery and partly because I can’t hear a darn thing anyway so what’s the point in speaking. I often see others leave bars and just end up talking in toilets or amongst smokers at bar entrances in a desperate effort to get a quiet place.

I went to an event last week that had NO music in the background (I know, the horror) during its duration and I remember feeling a strange sense of peace. Yes, it was still loud since voices were rising in the air. But was I straining my ears 110% to hear a single word above a Calvin Harris song? No, and it made a massive difference to the connections and conversations I was able to have that night.

The loud music as frustrating as it may be, many might feel like it’s needed. It sets ambiance, a fun mood for the place and the night, as you settle into your seats. What’s the alternative? Just…nothing? That could be more awkward. Although, I see this perspective and am happy with the presence of music, I simply think it could be tuned down a little bit, for the sake of our ears and sanity, please.

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PS: One thing I’ve heard does really help with this issue is ear plugs! I’ll likely be buying some soon, so I’m open to recommendations or any other tips you have for dealing with this.

Photo by Michael Discenza on Unsplash

Thought of the day: ‘It could be worse’

Posted on by Han_A

When did saying ‘It could be worse’ become a comforting thing?

I remember hearing the words from someone a few months ago when I was having a low period and for some reason, it just sparked annoyance in me.

I mean, yes it well could be. But does that make my pain any less valid? No.

Because if you truly play that game then any situation you’re in could always be worse. Let’s say your cat of ten years just went missing and someone says those words to you when you’re confiding in them about your unhappiness stemming from the situation. Of course, it could be worse. You could have tripped on your way home, bloodied your nose and sprained your ankle. And THEN after hopping home with a tissue to your nose, you enter the house to find out a) your cat is nowhere to be seen and b) there’s somehow been a leak in the kitchen and now a quarter of the house is wet. So, are you telling me that because all of that didn’t happen, instead only my cat went missing, that I shouldn’t feel sad or as down? Sounds a bit like dodgy reasoning, doesn’t it?

People who say it do of course do so with the sincerest of intentions, so obviously you never want to bark at them that that’s not exactly what you want to hear right now, even if you’re thinking exactly that. However, just so we all take steps to prevent ourselves from being that person, it’s worth thinking about what that person needs to hear in that moment and that line, is most likely not it.

I do understand the sentiment behind it – it’s meant to evoke gratitude. ‘Thank God that burglar only stole this from my house instead of x and y (too).’ And while that gratitude can be evoked, sometimes it’s not and the person can come across as a bit tone deaf. Sometimes you instead feel this frustrating guilt at your sadness like you can’t properly acknowledge it’s there, let alone dwell on it, because in the grand scheme of things the event was quite trivial (or so you’re made to feel.)

That’s not the greatest feeling to be feeling when you’re down or want to comfort others. The moral of the story is that it’s okay to just be there for someone, and listen.

*Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

The Things We Don’t Say

Posted on by Han_A

It’s funny, if not tragic, that we spent much of the first part of our lives mastering the art of speech only to become adults and pretty much become rubbish at it again. Typically, when you babble your first words, your parents stumble for the camera (or camcorder back in the day) in excitement at this developmental milestone. Then, as you get older, you realise language actually only makes one part of what is this massive jigsaw puzzle called communication. So yes, you can speak – but have you fully mastered the art of communication? Probably not.

There are a lot of things people say in ways other than speaking that we have to learn to be mindful of. I say ‘learn’ because it doesn’t always come naturally to read body language or apply emotional intelligence to a situation. These are things most of us learn over time and build like muscle. It doesn’t mean it’s easy though since body language and speech can at times conflict meaning you may have to rely on other factors to make an ultimate judgment call.

Eating your words

One significant thing that is a constant challenge, for me personally anyway, is saying how I truly feel to others. I think because when you’re hyper aware of how others feel; you worry that your words may negatively impact the people you want to share them with.  And let’s be honest, the worst thing is saying words and going on to regret them. It happens way more often than it should but for those of us that like an element of control over situations – such regrets can be annoying because you can’t rewind time to take the words back, can you? Keeping everyone happy starts to feel like this weird juggling match and you can find yourself having to do the mental cost/benefits analysis of the costs of being honest (meaning you feeling happier) vs just repressing your feelings (and keeping everyone else happy.)

It’s no coincidence that there are 100s of films and dramas centered around the breakdown of communication and the problems it can cause. It’s a universal issue – sometimes you can be having a conversation with someone and what you’re saying vs what they’re hearing from you are completely different things. It’s why teaching, in my opinion, is a very underrated profession, because to make sure your instructions are heard clearly, comprehended and even remembered by students is more of an uphill battle than many would think.

Your voice is worth hearing

Being honest about your feelings sometimes is not simply a black & white situation of whether someone is a coward or not. Being able to truly lay your feelings on the table, even for people close to you, can be a challenge and this can be due to several mental blocks you may have.

You may not feel like your voice is worth hearing

Maybe you’ve expressed your views before and nothing changed which was discouraging to you

Or maybe social judgment and its repercussions leave you thinking it’s better off to not ‘kick up a fuss’.

In case you need to hear it – your voice is definitely worth hearing. Obviously, to truly get your point across sometimes you have to formulate a game plan – what is the right moment, place and method to communicate how you feel, for example? People often don’t think about such things when they want to get things off their chest but it’s definitely worth doing so. On a lot of reality TV shows I watch, they’ll often just confront someone over dinner, meaning yes, your true feelings are now on the table, but you’ve also spoiled a perfectly nice dinner – miring it with confusion and anger. That can all be avoided with a bit of simple planning.

And You?

But what about if you’re at the other end? If someone bears their all to you? Well first, of all the last thing they want is an underwhelming response. But yes, sometimes you won’t know how to appropriately react straight away so it’s worth asking them for some time to respond or just offering a listening ear, particularly if the confrontation has a personal aspect to it regarding you; i.e. ‘I don’t feel you do xx properly’ or ‘You never seem supportive of my ambitions’. Instead of jumping on the defensive (as instinctive as it may feel), a little bit of empathy can go a long way, a lot of the time it takes a lot of courage to be vulnerable – so acknowledge and be appreciative of that, if anything at all.

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Why not visit my new Medium blog – I’ll be using this blog to delve into more TV and film reviews, as well as explore various themes the things I’m watching cover. Would love to hear your feedback and Medium blog recommendations you have!

Listen, listen carefully

Posted on by Han_A

I remember a while back I called a friend of mine to catch up. As we spoke it became apparent she was having a tough time in many ways. After hearing her speak I resorted to giving her advice (from the top of my head) and some tips on how I thought she could deal with her issues moving forward. She then got angry stating to me that my tips were things she had already considered/tried and that she wasn’t seeking my advice. I quickly apologised after and we shortly ended the call, with confusion still hanging in the air on my side.

woman in teal dress shirt sits near wall
What does true listening look like? (Photo by Christina Morillo on Pexels.com)

Although my initial emotion reflex was to get angry and annoyed I later realised my friend had unknowingly taught me a valuable lesson through that interaction. Sometimes, when people pour their hearts out to you, they aren’t looking for resolve or an immediate solution, they just want you to listen. It’s a simple observation and one that feels oh so obvious but yet, something even I have much room for improvement in.

Nowadays in my interactions with people, I find myself wondering what true listening is/ looks like. There’s one thing I can tell you in regards to this.

It involves empathy and seeking to understand the feelings being shared with you. Depending on whether the situation calls for it it may involve; giving advice or rather it may involve a simple hug or show of affection. Following up with questions is always good; it shows you are listening,  interested and have a grasp on what is being relayed to you. ‘How did that make you feel?‘, ‘What can I do to help?‘ or sometimes a ‘thank you for sharing that with me‘ may be called for in the aftermath of the most difficult of confessions.

The first line I write with consideration because there are times when you may not relate to the nature of the problems people you listen to are going through and that’s okay. The worst it means for you is that you can’t say ‘I know what you’re going through, [insert personal story of how you relate here]’. I say this particularly when you come from a different world from the person you talk to.

For example, if a person of colour (POC) meets a white person and the former starts talking about racial discrimination they have faced; as white person from a working-class background it is not suddenly called for you to go ‘I can relate because as someone who grew up on an estate blah blah blah…’ Such things can be done with the sincerest of intentions but are, in my opinion, the wrong course of action to take. Rather, take the opportunity to properly listen to the POC and understand their experience. Use it, if you like, as a learning experience. This applies in regards to numerous oppressed or minority groups you may ever encounter; from travellers to the LGBT+ community. Only when such things are taken into account can dialogue between groups and/ or individuals be effectively done.